It was another day in which her mind was willing, but her body was not. She woke up feeling wide awake, not drowsy at all or that she needed more sleep. Her body, on the other hand, felt exhausted. “Is it because of the recent heat?” She thought. The weather changes always put her body out of whack and made her feel sluggish. It was fall now, but Southern California doesn’t believe in seasons. It had been a balmy 90 degrees the past few days and it took most of her energy just to stay cool and function normally. Gloomy weather also made her feel sluggish and lazy, which was what the weather was prior to the sudden heat. The combination just wasn’t great for her.

She hoped that she has more energy by the time of the social event that her partner is bringing her along to later in the day. She’s hoping that she’s not a total buzzkill at the event. She always felt guilty for being so type A and having strict boundaries, but they were for the better of her health. She felt guilty that she kept pushing her partner to drink less because she felt that he always drank too much, but she didn’t want to control him. Every social event nowadays involves alcohol and she knows she’s going to be on edge with alcohol around. The smell of alcohol simply made her nauseous.

One of her rules currently was no alcohol in the home. She was fine with him drinking casually during dinner, but she always cautioned him when she felt he was drinking too much socially – something that happens often when he’s with friends. The rule about no alcohol in the home was more for her than him, though. When she previously tried to commit suicide, one of the methods she tried that day was overdosing. She doesn’t drink alcohol anymore – she used to until her body became intolerant of alcohol. So instead of overdosing with pills and alcohol, she just drank the pills down with water. Afterwards, though, she knew that if she did have easy access to alcohol and did overdose by mixing pills with alcohol, she most likely would have died. It was a good thing that alcohol wasn’t in the home at the time. And she continues to believe in not having alcohol in the house for that reason. Although her mental health is at a better point now, she’d rather be on the safe side in case another impulsive urge happens again. Another reason she didn’t want alcohol in the house was to prevent easy access from her partner constantly reaching for a drink. He previously had an issue with drinking emotionally and the only way he could talk to her during hardships was if he had a drink, so she obviously wanted to curb that bad habit. It was too easy to go overboard if there was an underlying reason to drink – she definitely knew that. When she was younger, she was definitely more of a social drinker and would easily be peer pressured by friends to drink more. She was a tiny person and her body didn’t process alcohol well so it led to a lot of blacked-out nights and vomiting. She was almost taken advantage of during one party because of alcohol (and trashy men), but was saved by her Little. She never had any great experiences with alcohol and she somewhat projected that onto her partner. She knew that wasn’t a good thing to do, but considering her past – almost being raped (again), almost dying from an overdose – she felt it was justified to have this rule of no alcohol in the home. It was for safety.

She considered briefly not going to the social event as well. She just didn’t have the energy currently to socialize, but maybe that will change as the day goes on. Maybe some good food or coffee will brighten her spirits and give her energy. Or maybe the journaling workshop she’s scheduled to go to later this afternoon will help her feel better as well, along with the wax appointment she is scheduled for. Pampering herself always made her feel better, but it made her feel more at peace and calmer rather than energetic. Hopefully she can find a way to get through the day energetically.