I never really believed in astrology. I always entertained the idea but never really believed it. Well, yesterday proved me wrong. I got rear-ended on the freeway on my way to work. No bodily harm, no injuries, my car wasn’t too damaged, just the rear bumper and hatch, but it was the first time that I had gotten into a car accident where I was the driver and it occurred just about a week after my mother was hospitalized.

May has been a very negative month so far, filled with unfortunate incidents. Although Mercury hadn’t entered retrograde until a couple days ago and my mother’s hospitalization precedes that, it’s still an unusually high amount of serious incidences in one’s life in a short amount of time.

Luckily, today went much better than yesterday. No accidents, no misfortunes. But it begs the question, why is this happening? Especially to me? I’ve endured rape and multiple toxic/abusive relationships, and a suicide attempt. I thought I’d paid my dues of misfortunes in my life. Why do I continue to experience serious, but not life-changing, misfortunes? It’s as if life is saying, “Almost, but not quite death,” to Hell.

I believe in karma. I believe in the balance of energies and nature. Where are my good fortunes? Is it the fact that I’m currently alive, and not harmed? What is the universe trying to tell me? Where did I mess up? What did I do that led to me and my family experiencing a medical scare regarding our mother’s health? To lead to my car accident? I believe each action bears a consequence, so were these events the actions or the consequences?

Is there good coming my way or was that the bad that balanced out the good?

There are things we’ll never know the answer to in life. I have to make peace with the fact that this may be one of them.

I’ve been lacking in my self-care lately. Is that why? The events of the past week and a half have left me feeling defeated, unable to motivate myself to eat dinner, brush my teeth or wash my face before bed, or wash my hair timely. I just need a break. I want a break. I want a break from having to survive, a break from having to work to make money to pay rent, which supplies the roof over my head, and to pay for necessities. I want a break. A weekend is not a break. A weekend is time off work to fit in the things you didn’t have time to do during or after work. A weekend is still work. I want a vacation. A break. A pause in having to be an adult. I wish I could just pause, take a breather, and resume when I’m ready. Like a video game. I wish things were that easy. But it’s life. Nothing worthy in life is easy.