Seeing K again provided closure by proving that I no longer have feelings for him romantically. It eliminates the possibility that I will get back into a relationship with him. We are still very much attracted to each other, which is probably dangerous territory.

It may possibly be that the firefighter was just not for me and I was forcing it to happen as a point that I was over K. I had been questioning our compatibility prior to our break up already. I had been wondering why I didn’t feel as strongly as I did for the firefighter that I did for K.

It’s hard to feel anything as strong as liking and then loving someone for 10 years. And I may never will. It was tumultuous, infatuation, lust, intertwined with a twisted sense of love. It was all the good things a romantic hoped to feel, but the bad far outweighed the good. I won’t forget that he drove drunk with me in the car, I won’t forget that I attempted suicide because of our relationship, I won’t forget the sociopathic tendencies he exhibited that made me feel less than no one.

We had an awful relationship, but seeing him again showed me that he’s grown from it. And I hope to grow from it, too. Not to just heal past it, but to grow as a person. It’s disappointing for me to admit that he’s probably grown from it far more than I have. He’s no longer miserable, he said he’s doing well. My spiteful self told him he doesn’t deserve to be in another relationship. From my experience solely, it’s true. However, how he is now, he has grown. Maybe not to the extent of repentance, but progress. And maybe I was the triggering factor for that, our relationship, which does make me feel a bit better. He possibly wouldn’t have grown or be on the path to be a better person if it weren’t for me, our relationship, and/or our break up.

I am messy, relationship wise. I know what I want in a life partner, and I try so desperately to make it happen that I crumple us both up. I can’t just let it be. Whether that be a result of childhood trauma of never being in control to now attempting to grasp at straws to have something to control, or my anxiety in general.

I keep saying I trust my numerology report, which stated that I’d find my significant other in my late twenties and possibly even thirties, but I have no patience.

The things I currently desire in my life include money and a clean home. It’s much easier to achieve these goals with a partner in crime. My burnout or depression, or whatever the hell it is, causes me to be tired after just a couple of hours of social or physical activity. I lose energy fast. To the point where I don’t have the brain power to think, and need to recharge. Perhaps it’s just part of being an introvert and not giving myself enough time to myself to recharge; however, I do think I spend a significant amount of time decompressing each day. Is it that I need more? Pushing through it used to be fine before, but now it crushes my soul to even think about pushing myself to do something as small as laundry. What am I missing? What do I need? Is it supposed to be this hard to function?