I’ve realized I’m not extremely paranoid when it comes to my safety. I do notice everything around me and am hypervigilant, with the sufficient amount of concern for my safety; however, I’m not afraid of certain things. For example, my first date with the firefighter from Hinge was at my own apartment. I invited him over to my apartment because I felt comfortable staying in and didn’t feel comfortable going to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, knowing I won’t eat much subsequent to my anxiety about meeting him for the first date. A lot of girls expressed concern and presented extreme circumstances that would lead to my death because of this choice. Well, I’m alive, and nothing bad happened to me. But I wasn’t afraid of making this choice. I didn’t think I was going to die because I invited this person over to my home. Yes, I could have ended up murdered because I had never met this person before; however, I felt safe in my home.

Which has me thinking: why did I not share the same extremist concern as my fellow women shared? Is it because I already came to terms with death when I attempted suicide? Is my anxiety actually under control? Do I not value my life?

It’s not that I don’t value my life. I’m not afraid of dying. I feel as though my life has been successful thus far and I’ve gone through a lot in my life that, if I died today, I wouldn’t think, “But I wanted to do so much! I can’t die now!” I don’t feel as though I have many other things to do in my life besides enjoy my life day to day. There are no more big things planned for myself. And I don’t mean this at all in a depressing, “I give up on life” way. I mean it as, I understand life. I understand that there are so many options and choices and things I can do with my life, but I like how my life is right now and I feel there’s nothing left for me to gain besides enjoying what I already do now. I’m not wealthy, I actually have about $50,000 of impending student debt once this last deference ends. There are a lot of material things I’d like, like a townhouse, a nicer car, a nice couch, and other things that money could afford me such as a dog, but interpersonally, relationship and friendship wise, self-esteem wise: I’m satisfied. I feel as though I am an individual who has lived through the ups and downs of life and albeit I’m not married, traveled the world, have kids, or even a stable relationship, I am happy.

I think that’s what it is: I am actually happy with what I have in my life currently, and that’s why I’m not afraid of dying.

And no, this is not an invitation to murder me. Thanks.