5'1" Stories

Perhaps I need to give myself space and tear myself away from him. I am at an emotional level where I get excited by his messages, I want him to message me, and I want him to want me. Is it just the feeling of being wanted and wanting to be loved that I am excited for? Or is it him?

I am unsure at this point. But, as always, I don’t feel anything. And it just reminds me of the morning that I woke up gasping for air and clutching my chest – feeling as though my emotions were literally being pulled out of my chest. I have never felt things genuinely since that day. I have felt a hum of numbness in my emotions since then. I don’t think I have felt love or the butterflies, genuinely, since then. I think that any emotions I have felt and do feel since then are manifestations of what my mind thinks is the appropriate emotional response rather than genuinely feeling an emotion. Maybe I will never truly feel love again. I used to say frequently, “I don’t feel love, but I know I love you,” because that’s what it felt like.

I am conflicted between knowing we can’t be just friends, wanting to upkeep this friends with benefits situation, and wanting a relationship with him. But do I actually want a relationship or just the benefits of a relationship? I believe I just want the benefits without the emotional effort. I tend to pour my heart and soul very deeply in any relationship, which ultimately results in me becoming the one irreparably damaged in the end. It’s all just tiring.