The only thing I’ve ever really been good at is academia. Studying, reading, and learning are all I’ve really ever mastered and learned to do best throughout my life. Grade school, undergrad, graduate school. And now I don’t want to go back to school. I want to be able to study and read and learn on my own schedule, but what can I even do with that? Note-taking jobs or selling notes usually only works best when you’re still in school and the information you’re learning is current so that it’s actually relevant for the students that use those note-buying and studying websites. I suppose I can be more reflective about the books I read, maybe read more informational and educational non-fiction books. I attempted to take a free psychology course on Coursera a few months ago, but I didn’t have the discipline (despite being so disciplined in all of my academia) to complete it and I constantly had to reset my deadlines until I eventually unenrolled in the course. I don’t want to feel like I’m forced to study because of deadlines. I want to be able to do it on my own time and free will, but isn’t that such a weird hobby to do in your free time? “What do you like to do in your free time?” “Read textbooks and take notes.” At least in school there’s a reason to study – to pass tests and assignments. Now? What good would taking good notes do for me now? Perhaps it was the organizational part of taking notes that I really enjoyed. Being able to color-code, organize in lists, summarize, and pinpoint the important information from a chapter of a textbook. Maybe that’s why I got into journaling in the first place. But journaling seems moot when you don’t have a lot on your mind anymore (thanks, Zoloft). Instead of constantly having something to worry about, it kind of just feels like a moving sky with clouds in my head. I don’t really have passive thoughts anymore. But it’s better than the alternative – negative, intrusive thoughts.

Speaking of journaling, I am jumping hobbies once again. At what point will I finally find a hobby that I stick with and gain skills in? Crocheting does seem to be fairly rewarding. The only thing I have to watch out for is my tendonitis and finances. I just bought a crochet book of patterns and a crochet set with different needles and yarn bundles, and hopefully that’s all I ever buy (aside from more yarn when needed). I tend to go all-in when it comes to learning new hobbies, and then I end up giving up the hobby a few weeks or months later which make all of the hobby-specific items I bought obsolete and a waste. Even more, I have a $20 steno app that I bought for my iPad to practice stenography even though I currently have no particular motivation to continue practicing; I have a pen-organizer bin full of brush pens and colored pens for journaling and handlettering, and now I will have a bin full of yarn and crochet needles. It just depends on how long if I actually still use it in a few months. Fingers crossed I find something I’m good at and build skill in.