During my suicide attempt, I first tried to overdose on several medications I had at the time. At the time, I had already stopped drinking alcohol because my body just couldn’t tolerate it any more; and thus, I didn’t have alcohol in my home. So when I tried overdosing, I used water to swallow the pills.

If I drank alcohol with the pills, I’m fairly certain I would have been successful in my suicide attempt. When I entered the ER, I was already in acute renal failure. If I still drank alcohol at the time and had alcohol on hand in my home, I most likely would have died.

I usually have a personal reason why I do things. I initially stopped drinking alcohol because my body just couldn’t tolerate it the more I aged. Now, I’m fairly solidified in my decision to not drink alcohol because – to be dramatic – it saved my life.

If I were to drink alcohol again, as well as have it in my home, I may end up killing myself. My suicide attempt was not planned – it was impulsive, and I can’t say it won’t happen again because a day before my attempt, I didn’t think about killing myself. It’s also one of the reasons why I will never own a gun or have any sort of rope in my home: I never know when that impulse will happen again. Yes, I am currently on antidepressant medication, and yes, it is helping – but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have call of the void thoughts even if they are less intrusive now.

On another note, I choose not to use the term “sober,” because the way it’s used socially, it indicates more of a meaning akin to having a problem with alcohol, or simply not being intoxicated or affected by alcohol when all of the above are not true for me. I choose not to drink alcohol. I abstain from alcohol. The English language is nuanced, so I’m careful with the words I choose, and perhaps I place additional emphasis that otherwise isn’t there. But to me, words mean something.