It really would happen to me to have yet another curveball thrown at me this year. As much as I’m vindicated by the bad news I received from the doctor today because I knew something was wrong with my body, it was yet another negative emotion that I had to process.

I also had a pelvic ultrasound completed last night and I am waiting to hear back from the doctor regarding those test results as well. Maybe it’ll reveal another health problem that has led to my recurring pelvic pain these past few months, but at least I would have an answer. I was told previously that my pelvic pain and irregular spotting were not correlated with the abnormal cervical changes discovered earlier this year.

While doing a bit of light research on my biopsy results, I found that I had options. Not only options on what kind of procedure could be done, but also the option that if I left it well enough alone, it can spread and turn into cancer later on — and of course, me and my cynical thinking, I considered it for a second. I really don’t enjoy living in a capitalist society, especially when I’m already on the losing end of it. Even now with having taken a few sick days and having to take two more days off for the procedure, I’m already out of paid time off at work and most likely will need to dip into my savings soon. I considered maybe this is finally my out; as I joke about just letting myself die so I can finally rest easily without having to worry about just surviving in this world and this economy. But it would be the irresponsible thing for me to do to not be proactive (or reactive?) about my health, and if I’m anything, I’m responsible. Even when I was waiting for my biopsy results, I joked to friends, “Just tell me I have cancer so I can go on disability and not have to work anymore.” Did the universe actually listen to me and take me seriously this time?

What a joy to be a woman. Good thing I never wanted children anyway.