Do you all really have faith that the world, economy, society is going to get any better? It may be your only hope for the future, but I’d rather enjoy living my life now than working 40+ hours a week to just get by on my own and barely afford anything fun. And for what? To work 40+ hours a week for 30+ years to save for retirement and then finally have fun when my body has begun deteriorating?

If I had five years left to live, I could quit my job and travel, eat good food, explore, live.

I don’t want children, I don’t really have anything else left to accomplish in my life. I have a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, a satisfactory job, I’m giving back to my community, and working on mental health initiatives. I’m not going to suddenly get rich and my lifestyle isn’t going to suddenly change. I’m not going to hold onto hope that suddenly the world is going to stop being shitty. I’m being realistic. I understand that society, history, laws, etc., aren’t going to spectacularly change for the best. Do you forget that a large population of women lost their access to abortion recently? And you think our society is going to get better?

We still live in a patriarchal society where women are constantly ignored and their rights diminished. What good is there left to live for?

And chances are, people that don’t understand this viewpoint don’t understand how heavy my shoulders are from all of my previous burdens – and I’m tired of it. I’ve been raped, slapped, sexually assaulted on multiple occasions, abused in so many ways by men and life in general to the point where I wanted to kill myself. Now, I have HPV and precancerous cells and it really wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to find out it’s escalated to cancer so I wouldn’t have to worry about surviving.

The traumas in my 27 years of life are more than some people have or will ever experience in their entire lifetime. And how is that fair? Why should I stick it out in the hopes of something better happening? Do you not understand how exhausting that is? I’ve experienced life at its worst already and you want me to imagine life can be better? Sure it can but will it ever make up for everything I’ve already experienced? No.

I’m not saying I’ll actively seek out shortening my life, I’m saying that should anything happen to bring death closer to my doorstep, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

So stop reacting as if I’m suicidal or crazy. I’m realistic. I don’t think the world is magically going to change for the better. The world sucks, every housing, income, job market sucks. The world is imploding and climate change is real. We, as humans, only have ourselves to blame for ruining a perfectly good planet. So don’t tell me, “Don’t think like that! I want you to live!” Okay, you want me to live but I don’t care.

I’m a good friend because of all the things I’ve gone through and learned from, but how does that benefit me? I can help others but does it help myself? Me – the person that should benefit from keeping themself alive. I’ve forged great friendships and support systems and I love my friends, but I’m tired. Life is exhausting and you’re just being ignorant if you say otherwise.

I’m not a white, male, wealthy individual. Everything is stacked against me, just as a woman. Add in low income and being Asian, and that just adds more weight. Be realistic. And stop acting like I’m crazy for accepting death. We all die. I’ve always wanted to die early anyways. I’d rather die young than die due to old age and my body actively deteriorating from the inside out. I want to be able to remember my life when I die, not be so decrepit and old that I don’t even remember my nephew’s name on my death bed. I want to remember the people I love and my memories with them when I leave life. I don’t understand why everyone wants to live as long as possible. Just because we can doesn’t always mean we should.