It’s 8 PM on a Saturday night and I chose to stay home instead of going to a concert that I had already bought a ticket for months ago. I decided it was best for me not to go because I didn’t want to risk making my physical health worse, when I don’t know what the cause is. I still have sporadic chest pains and shortness of breath, and I feel as though I’m overly sensitive to the heat. I get disoriented, headaches, and dehydrated all too easily, even when I am sitting at home with a fan or AC on and not moving.

Yet, while I know I made this choice to care for my health, I still feel left out. I’ve seen these artists several times before as they’re one of my favorite artists, so missing one of their shows probably isn’t the worst thing. But I still feel some heartache for not being able to be there tonight. I had told several friends before that I would be going and wanted to meet with them at the event, which I think adds to the left-out feeling.

I know I need to save money for the time being also and I know if I went tonight, even if I already bought a ticket, I’d still be spending money somehow – gas or rideshare, water at the venue, food after the event, etc.

I don’t want to say I’ve been pushing people away since my health problems arose, but it feels immensely lonely tonight because of the concert. I’ve been saying no to several social events because of my health and being mindful of my financial wellbeing. More health problems means more doctor appointments and less money.

I’ve been trying to explore different things in the meantime to see what captures my interest but nothing seems to stick. I miss being able to dive completely into something and not realize how much time has gone by. Is it my mental health? I want to blame COVID for the lack of socialization, mental health, lower attention span, and other health problems because it seems like things were better before COVID. I had nothing much to complain about before COVID, even when I had problems with my romantic relationship then, everything else in my life kept me happy. Now everything feels so…barren. But why? I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And I do actively want to change this feeling, but even when I started stepping out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there more – it seems to leave me in the same position as before.

I know life isn’t meant to be stagnant, but why does this year feel so complacent? Why are the things that I’m doing, even the new things, not satisfying my internal hunger for life? What is it that I need to do? I wish the answers were so simple, but life is all trial and error. I just don’t know how many tries I have left in myself before I truly exhaust myself and my body. I already have physical pains and complications that a normal 27-year-old shouldn’t have, which makes me wonder if I’m overdoing it and need to take it even easier. I thought I’d already been taking it easy since the chest pains worsened, but is it not enough? Is it truly all psychosomatic? I really want my doctors to find something physically wrong with my body so that it’s not just all in my head.