Some days I will lay in bed for an hour before finally getting up. Other days I’ll get up immediately and get started with my day. Some days I won’t shower. Some days I won’t eat healthy at all, other days I eat completely healthy and cut out gluten, dairy, and sweets. Each day varies for me. Most of it is determined by how I sleep, how I feel, and what I have to do each day.

I used to always be early to any appointment or work. Now, I’m frequently a couple minutes late.

In some aspects, I have regressed and in other aspects, I have progressed.

I have intention, but I lack motivation.

I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. It takes time to process a traumatic event and I think my body is still learning how to process everything.

While I may not be consistent each day, I still handle a majority of my responsibilities enough to get by. While it seems grim for the time being – doing the bare minimum – I still continue to move forward into each day despite how exhausting it all feels.

I probably need to give my mind and body a proper break, but how? Possibly reducing my time on social media, but I’ve begun creating content so that’s a little bit difficult to hold myself to. Possibly setting specific time frames for me to go on social media so that I don’t allow myself to be on it as I please.

It’s not just social media that’s causing the difference, though. It was just less noticeable before without social media because I wasn’t framing every single aspect of my life. It was much more quiet, but I still lacked motivation and energy.

I feel as though I keep mounting things on my plate. I talk about how it’s all noise, but I keep adding on. On the other hand, if I’m not creating content or working, I’m passing time with non-productive things like playing games, which feels like I’m being useless. At least if I were crocheting, I’d be making a final product and progress towards something. Maybe I need to go back into crocheting more often. I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t work on it because my tendonitis flares up or because I don’t want my tendonitis to flare up.

Some people say that you need to “do” even if you don’t feel like it or that the action will influence the mood. Do those people also struggle with depression, anxiety, and recovering from a traumatic event like a suicide attempt? Am I being hard on myself or am I just in the crux of depression, despite not feeling hopeless, suicidal, or depressed?

Emotionally, I am okay. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I don’t think the world would be better off without me. On the other hand, I don’t believe that my actions make much of an impact on the world. I have this grandiose mission of wanting to help other survivors and inspire them to tell their story, but is that, too, just noise?

What is it that my mind and body really want me to do? What is it that will give me energy and motivation? What is it that I enjoy – really enjoy – doing?

I know I’m probably already juggling too many things and have too much on my plate. So why do I keep adding things on?

I know the diagnosis: I equate being productive with being happy or successful. I’m constantly working or keeping busy because I feel useless otherwise. It’s okay to not do anything and to take a break and do things I enjoy, even if it means passing time by doing nothing – as long as you enjoy that time.

Well, then? Tell me how to fix it. It’s easy to analyze actions and thoughts and pinpoint the problem, but it’s the answer that is easier said than done. It’s the solution that’s the hardest part.

So while I know exactly why I do the things I do, that doesn’t mean I can easily fix them – it – myself. I know results take time and progress, and progress/healing may not be linear. But being gracious with myself and forgiving for my efforts doesn’t make me feel any better. Being kind to myself makes me more lazy, even. I tell myself that each day is a success because I’m still here and that’s enough – and then I neglect my responsibilities because I think existing is enough and I don’t have the energy to do anything.

I never thought this way before and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe this kind of self-love encourages laziness and is too forgiving. Maybe it’s the easy way out: not doing something because I don’t feel like doing it and making that be okay because I’m “putting myself first” and “taking care of myself mentally/emotionally.”

Is it self-care or an excuse? The more aware I’ve become of my thoughts and mood, the less I get done because I recognize when I am not feeling motivated and give myself the good graces of forgiving that feeling – leading to nothing being done.

So while I am very self-aware and reflective, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am moving forward or making progress. My thoughts and feelings frequently create the opposite effect – not doing anything because I recognize that I’m feeling unmotivated or exhausted.

It’s easy to point out the problem and feel accomplished because you identify the problem. It’s easy to think that you’re moving forward because you’ve recognized what the problem is and what needs to change. But it’s the “doing” that lacks the most. And then it all repeats like a vicious cycle. I’m not getting things done > why > okay, this needs to change. But if you don’t actually do the change, it all repeats. But how do you “just do it” when you feel exhausted 24/7, lack motivation, and energy? Yes, it is easier to just lay in bed all day because that’s what feels good. How do you fight the urge to “treat yourself” each day because otherwise you won’t get anything done? There is a balance to be had. Everything in moderation, right? Maybe my psychological reward system has been turned upside down ever since I finished school. I’m no longer graded. My world no longer operates on more time and energy and attention means better results. The more I learn something doesn’t mean the more I am successful. Success is now quantified by how much money I make rather than how hard I work. Success is now defined by “work smarter, not harder” – whereas all I’ve done throughout school is work hard and study more.

It seems that there is a lot of unlearning and adjusting to do – and we all know that humans are not very adaptive when it comes to change.