I started journaling to help process and express my emotions, cope, and explore more creativity. I started blogging to help others who felt alone, to continue journaling, and to also improve my writing skills. I don’t journal as often as I used to. I don’t blog nearly as much as I probably should. I’ve blogged less over time because it’s felt more like work to me than self-expression. I used to just be able to word-vomit my thoughts and feel better, but now that I advertise this blog to other people in my life, I feel like there’s a higher expectation.

Talking to old friends lately has reminded me how far I’ve come in my mental health and healing journey. Friends who haven’t talked to me in years have commented on the remarkable difference between who I am now and who I used to be. And it makes me realize that I don’t see the difference myself. I only know who I am now and where I started, the in-between is a blur. I know the basic general things: I did therapy, I worked on my communication skills, I worked on myself a lot, I sought help, I found an amazing support system, I started this blog. But I can’t recall what steps I took to get me to the forward progress of where I am today. My friend put it well into words, “It’s like growing up. You don’t see the change. You’re just living it.”

So that made me think that maybe I should write/blog more. Even if I don’t publish it, I can at least have a more tangible grasp of how I’m changing. And maybe it’ll help me with my memory if I can recount the events of the day more regularly. I looked at a few posts from 2022 and yeah, I have come a long way. I think I have matured in a way that prioritizes myself over others.

Another great thing I’ve heard from a few friends lately is that they can see/feel that I’m going in the right direction. I talked to one friend about struggling with my purpose since being off antidepressants and he said that he can feel that I’m close to my purpose and that I’m doing the right things to get me there.

Side bar: Being off antidepressants has been great and devastating all at the same time. I feel great - I'm no longer tired, I have energy, I have enthusiasm, I can feel emotions a lot stronger than I think is normal right now, and I think I am more authentically myself. 

At the same time, I get bored - a feeling I realized I haven't had in a long time because I used to just be tired all the time - and being bored sucks. I have energy and I want to go out and hang out with friends, but I still also have a fairly small social battery and everyone else has a life too and can't always be free when I want them to be, so I am trying to figure out new hobbies and activities to keep me busy and kill my time (which is also why I want to blog more).  

On top of that, I've been realizing that I currently have no larger life goals. Being on antidepressants helped me get through to the next day; I didn't have the energy or effort for any bigger aspirations. Now that I'm off my antidepressants, it's kind of devastating realizing that I don't currently have any larger goals for myself. I'm 4 years into my legal career now and realizing maybe it's not for me. I want to help others, but I don't have a solid idea of how. I'm being more active in mental health organizations currently and volunteering/service, but it's still not fulfilling to my soul. I'm hoping that my life goals and purpose will reveal itself to me.

Let’s hope my friend is right about my purpose. I’ve toyed with the idea of becoming a librarian. It seems to encompass what I want from a career right now – less stress, community-driven, good causes, and more direct work to help the community, good salary (in my area). But that first requires me to look at whether I can even do another master degree (yay loans) – but that’s a later problem.