My dream last night involved an old friend from high school and an ex from college. It was odd, to say the least, considering I haven’t thought about that friend from high school in years. The dream actually reminded me that she existed. It’s odd how dreams can pull things from your deepest memories sometimes.

Waking up, all I could think about was how I used to basically do it all in college – I went to school full time, managing to maintain a 3.4+ GPA, while working part time in a veterinary hospital, being involved in clubs, and going to dance practice until 10 PM or even 4 AM sometimes during hell weeks. (And raising a cat.) And I still can’t remember a time in college when I ever felt as fatigued as I do with life now. I remember the feeling of having energy, having an appetite, wanting to do things and socialize with friends.

Why is there such a drastic difference between how I was then and now? Granted, I attended college from 2013-2017, so it’s been about 8-10 years since then, but I’m still young. I’m not 30 (yet). Why do I feel like all the youth inside me has disappeared? Where did that energy go? Where did the motivation and willingness to connect with others go? Where did the curiosity go?

Has trauma really taken all of that away from me? How do I get it back? Recovering from trauma doesn’t revert you back to how you were before it all. I am a completely different person than I was before, and I want it to be a good thing, but I miss the energy and youth I used to have back then.

Was it because I had a career-driven purpose back then? I wanted to be a veterinarian – that was the end goal for my career – and I was driven for it while I was in college. It wasn’t until just about the end of college that I realized it’s not a good career choice for me – the compassion fatigue, mental health issues in the industry, and debt, to name just a few reasons.

I remember feeling lost and having a quarter-life crisis realizing I’m not going to be a veterinarian as I had so dreamed as a kid, but I still remember having enough motivation to change my entire career into the legal field and pursuing a master degree for that.

I remember a coworker at the time, now good friend, was also going through a career switch and what we both agreed upon is that we just want to learn. And I think that’s still true for me today. I just don’t know what I want to learn. Should I just try taking different courses online and see what piques my interest? Will that bring the vibrancy and curiosity back in my life? Because what I’m doing now doesn’t feel sufficient to bring me joy.

I listened to a podcast from The Science of Happiness the other day and my interest was piqued when they started talking about research and statistics. Maybe I need to get back into science. I remember enjoying my science classes (except ochem), but I wonder if that was because I was studying to be a veterinarian – there was a larger purpose behind learning and understanding science and medicine. I was also able to apply what I learned hands-on at the school I went to and seeing it actually work and being used in real time was gratifying.