If there’s a tarot or psychic booth at any kind of event, I’m usually there getting a reading. I keep saying I don’t wholeheartedly believe in them, but I always end up getting a reading. I enjoy the insights and they’re usually pretty relevant to how I am feeling at the time.

I got a 5 card reading at the Pasadena ArtWalk event today by Fox & Empress Tarot, but shortly before I got the reading, I visited an artist’s booth that had a box of fortunes for a dollar each. The fortune I got was actually kind of concerning to me.

As you can see, it’s not great. The one that worried me the most was, “Infatuation, not foundation,” because it was something that we were concerned about considering we just happened to fall into each other’s lives with such great intensity at the start. But when I showed him the fortune, his response was actually reassuring to me because it meant he wasn’t worried about it: “If the writing on the walls wasn’t obvious. 🤣 You’re dating a manic psychopath.”

After getting this fortune, I was hesitant to get a tarot reading because I was afraid of more bad news. But I guess I figured I’d rather know than keeping wondering.

The person doing the reading did explain each card to me as I pulled them, but I hardly remember what he said anymore – other than there were a lot of big emotions and possible conflict present. I drew the Nine of Wands first, then the Four of Swords (upside down), Ace of Cups, Six of Pentacles, and finally the Seven of Wands.

He explained that while the Nine of Wands and Four of Swords meant there might be some big emotions and some sort of conflict present, the Ace of Cups definitely meant that there were big emotions present, whether it be fear, joy, sadness, happiness, and that I needed to allow myself to feel those emotions to move past them.

I’m not entirely sure what big emotions there are, aside from some anxieties I’ve been feeling lately. He gave some insight and said that anxiety is usually a secondary emotion to something, and that the anxious thoughts may be from past conditioning that didn’t give me permission to feel joy or happiness. So at least the anxiety may not necessarily be secondary to a negative emotion like fear, sadness, or anger; it could be secondary to a positive emotion, and the anxiety is preventing me from feeling that underlying emotion as if I’ve been conditioned to not feel that positive emotion. I never considered that before. I don’t recall any particular moments in which joy or happiness was taken from me as a child. There was uncertainty and instability in parts of my childhood, so it may be that. When I think back on my childhood, my mind goes to the fact that I liked school a lot, had a lot of friends, and good relationships with a lot of people from school. Things at home were a lot less loving and nurturing. So maybe it’s an anxiety I’ve developed of being happy at school and just waiting for the other shoe to drop at home.

I think he said the Four of Swords was a resting card, but because it was upside down, it meant that I was having trouble resting. I always have trouble resting, it’s always been one of my biggest symptoms of anxiety. He said that I need to allow myself to rest to move past the conflict or larger emotions that were present, or it could mean to re-evaluate my current situation.

There has been some trouble at work lately – not with me, but it may affect me, and I have been avoiding thinking about the possible consequences since it just happened and to prevent myself from worrying about things I can’t control. I don’t want to stress about work. I don’t see the rationality in working myself up over a situation that isn’t directly affecting me yet and when there may be a possible solution coming very soon. I was feeling burnt out/stressed earlier in the week, but that feeling has passed already.

The tarot reading actually made me feel better about the fortune I got earlier because it meant that although there may be some kind of conflict or big emotions present, at least it wasn’t as negative as what the fortune felt like, and I’m pretty confident in my abilities to navigate through any kind of emotional or internal conflict. The fortune made it feel like everything I’m doing wrong currently is wrong – work, relationship, personal life. But the tarot reading made things more palatable and was comforting to me.

The Seven of Wands, the last card I drew, showed that I was father along my path, with less visibility to those challenging me, which sounded like a positive thing. I am nearing my 30th birthday so being farther along my path makes sense – I’m nearing a milestone. The reader advised not to give too much attention to those that present conflict to me (the challengers) and to continue moving forward. I think I’ve done a pretty good job with that so far in my life. Although my circle is small, it’s filled with love between me and the people in my circle. I couldn’t ask for a better support system.

I think I could probably use some more self-nurturing and love. I see myself potentially entering another cycle of overextending myself for my loved ones and social events without taking the necessary time to care for myself. I have already skipped out on some social events in the past month, partially to spend more time with him and partially because I’m too tired to go to them. I feel more apprehensive for what’s to come rather than that there is already a conflict present. If there is a conflict present already, I’m not sure what it is.

Sometimes I forget how emotional tarot readings can be. I love the section on Fox & Empress Tarot’s website, A note on after-care:

Just like with massage or traditional therapy, after-care is important following a Tarot reading. Subjects may be breached that feel private, and you may leave a reading feeling vulnerable. It’s not unusual for a Seeker to cry or experience big emotions during readings.

Take care of yourself after a reading like you would a loved-one or child. A small gift to yourself is a nice gesture, and resonates with the teachings of The Empress. Drink water or tea, go on a walk, give yourself a hug, and journal or speak aloud the feelings you are having.

Expression is so important! It’s your reading, so amplify, celebrate and integrate it how you’d like.

I frequently forget the self-care aspect after any vulnerable moment. I’ve done this recently when attending NAMI Peer-to-Peer classes and completing presenter training for one of their programs. Most recently, the presenter training was a 4 hour training, with a ~1.5 hour pre-training module, all about our experience with mental health (and trauma for me) and recovery, and I attempted to celebrate it as completing the training rather than nurturing myself for the vulnerability. I didn’t do much after completing the training, but I also don’t think I really decompressed afterwards.

Reflecting on my reading, I think I have been trying to trudge through a lot of feelings lately rather than letting myself feel them, like my anxiety. I’m trying not to give my anxious thoughts any attention, but maybe I need to be less avoidant about it. I keep telling myself my anxious thoughts are just trying to scare me and to ignore them, but I know they’re actually trying to protect me and I should probably try to work through them a little more closely rather than just ignoring them. I’m trying to ignore my anxious thoughts and just focus on what’s in front of me and what’s really happening, but I think I’m doing it in a haphazardly and rushed manner, so my anxieties are still persisting.

Or maybe because doing it this way is so new to me, it’s going to take a while for my brain to understand that there is no reason to be anxious. It’s hard to know when you’re being avoidant or just retraining your thoughts.