My suicide attempt in 2021 was impulsive. It was impulsive, but it was long. It wasn’t well-thought out or planned. I was fumbling, desperate. I spent the entire night trying to kill myself with pills and a knife. I tried to drown myself, which is incredibly hard to do on your own. The body has great survival instincts.

I pride myself on being abstinent from alcohol because being abstinent is potentially what saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if I still drank alcohol and had alcohol in my house during my suicide attempt. I already had acute kidney failure by the time I got to urgent care just off of the pills alone, without the aid of alcohol.

One of the main reasons why it hasn’t happened again is because of the medication I was on. I believe the biggest contributor to my suicide attempt was being on the wrong medication for my body. The moment they switched my medication to a different SSRI, I was instantly better.

I suppose I also have had a mind shift since then. I used to think of eternal rest as enticing because I was so utterly exhausted. But now I’m afraid of not waking up again, not having my own family, not being able to love and be loved. I guess that means I have things to live for now.

I still don’t trust that part of myself. How can you when you try to kill yourself? But I trust myself enough to never let myself get to that point again. I trust and know myself enough to know when I need to get help or when I’m spiraling, or showing the slightest signs of depression. I’m in a much better place now.