Another year, another step towards becoming a stronger woman. Every birthday marks the anniversary of my trauma. An ex-boyfriend began to repeatedly rape me beginning on my 19th birthday because I cheated on him. Yes – cheating is bad, I know. I was young and dumb. I did tell him outright that I cheated and he said he understood why and he allowed it to keep happening because he knew he couldn’t always be there for me. Yet, he still began to rape me. Each time it happened, he would repeatedly apologize and say it would never happen again. Yet each time he visited me at college for the couple months after, it would happen again. Each time, I believed him that it would never happen again because I thought he was the love of my life and I pictured us getting married and being together for the rest of our lives. I was in a transitional phase as it was the first few years of college and I was finally on my own for once and that led to more risky behavior, such as cheating. I didn’t have the same ethics and morals as I do now.

The only reason I was able to get away from him was because I almost killed myself. I was miserable, depressed, confused, and I blamed myself for what was happening. He had taken me out to go for a drive at night at Glendora Mountain Road. It was something we both enjoyed – usually. We had gone up to the top and were going back down in his car. That’s when the yelling began. He started getting angry and yelling at me about the whole situation. I started crying and yelling back, “Stop yelling at me!” But he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. I unfastened my seatbelt, opened the car door, and tried to jump out of the car. He pulled me back in, “Okay, okay, I’ll stop.” The rest of the ride down was quiet except for my sobbing. He dropped me off in front of my house and as I left to go in, upset, he followed behind me. I yelled back at him, “If you follow me, I’ll file a restraining order!” That’s when it all stopped. He turned around and left. Silence. My suicide attempt gave me the strength to leave him because I realized how shitty it all was.

Now, here I am. Stronger, resilient, a survivor. I have my bad days, but I’m a lot better than before – and a lot better than my most recent suicide attempt. I’ve learned. I’ve grown. I’ve matured. I am no longer the same person I was at 19.

Cheers to a new year and more growth, happiness, and peace.