This is something that I used to struggle with for a LONG time. My anxiety was so bad that I was constantly overthinking about the smallest thing. “Why hasn’t he responded back already?” “He didn’t add an emoji to his text this time.” “He doesn’t seem interested in me right now. Is he getting bored? Is he not attracted to me anymore?” Things that had the simplest explanations that I always thought the worst about.

I’ve had anxiety for – I would say – my entire life. It’s one of the dangers of living in a typical Asian household – your anxiety starts young once you enter school and have to do well. My anxiety definitely worsened after I was raped. Add some severe social anxiety on top of my already existing anxiety. My social anxiety got better once I graduated college. I do attribute most of my social anxiety to the aftermath of rape and the group of people I spent most of my time with. To put it nicely, it was very…clique-y. I felt ostracized and alone for most of my college years. Once I left college, I felt a lot better not being around that crowd anymore.

My anxiety always worsened when I was in a relationship because I was self-conscious and always scared that my partner would cheat or find someone better. Trust issues are great, aren’t they? And I was pretty much always in a relationship so I, pretty much, was constantly severely anxious.

My anxiety honestly wasn’t controlled until I started taking the right medication. My anxiety got so bad that I got to the point where I needed help. I recently got a new job at the time and got great medical insurance. I spoke to my doctor and he started me on Lexapro. I was on Lexapro for about a month and a half before I tried to commit suicide. Safe to say, Lexapro did NOT work for me. While I was hospitalized on a psychiatric hold, I pointed out that I thought the Lexapro partially attributed to the suicide attempt. The downside of anxiety and antidepressant medications is there is always a chance it can make your symptoms worse. I was switched to Zoloft and I instantly felt a difference in my overall mood and mental health. After four months, I am still on Zoloft. And surprisingly, doing very well on the low dosage. I no longer have intrusive, obsessive thoughts. My mind finally let me just take a leap of faith and trust my partner. I no longer feel depressed or anxious. It’s actually really eye-opening to not feel anxious for once in my life. Is this how normal people feel? I no longer have harmful thoughts or even negative self-talk anymore. Although, it could be a combination of the medications and finally learning how to love myself and be compassionate to myself. Of course, every once in a while, I still think, “What if he finds someone better?” But the solution has been much more simpler to quell my thoughts: I express my concern to my partner and he reassures me he has all he needs with me. And I no longer obsess about it. Before, I wouldn’t trust what he said because my anxiety always told me, “Okay, but what if…” My anxiety was the source of my relationship problems for the first 4-6 months of my relationship. It was a serious problem. Thanks to my medication and supportive psychiatrist and therapist, my anxiety is no longer an issue. I can finally just enjoy the moment.

So I definitely understand how anxiety can make all the decisions for you. I lived that way for a good 7 years of my adult life to the point where it was heavily intruding on my daily relationships and normal behavior. There were days when my anxiety was debilitating and I would skip work, stay in bed, not eat because I just wouldn’t have an appetite, and cry, a lot, leading to dehydration and headaches. After a solid 7 years living that way, I finally have control over my anxiety. My anxiety no longer gets to make any decisions for me.