I’ve been a bit more thoughtful lately so I guess I’ll use it to my advantage for content. I’m sitting in a clean, modern coffee shop on a bright, beautiful day, enjoying a cup of iced matcha latte – and I still feel somber. I normally love the aroma and ambiance of coffee shops.

My dream last night still bothers me. It made me wake up sad and emotional and l honestly hate when that happens because it makes my day off to a sad start.

Yeah, I’m on dating apps because I believe that I should get what l deserve and because I know what I want in a relationship and from my partner. But at the same time, I’m not sure if I can put my heart into it if I’m still silently hoping for things to work out with him. It honestly wouldn’t be fair to anyone I date if I still hope things will somehow work out between us. At the same time, there are moments where I feel I am truly over him and there is nothing left in the relationship for me to gain, and that I deserve to pursue what I want and where I want to be in my life. Especially when his heart isn’t in it. I don’t deserve to be treated as a burden, an impediment. And I don’t want to be a bad person and lead guys on and give them hope when I’m still conflicted. Sometimes I think that dating and time will solidify and affirm my choice to date. I just hope that’s true. I can’t let go of the idea that I’ll meet my soulmate dating now. But the reality knocks on my door: “What if I never find ‘The One?’ What if he was my soulmate?” And then another part of me believes that if he was, it wouldn’t be this difficult.

I know the way that I should be treated. I deserve to pursue that and find true happiness. I deserve to give another person the chance to give me the love I deserve. I just hope I genuinely connect to that someone.