Not sure if I’m just really good at compartmentalizing or if I’m starting to not feel anything towards him anymore. I feel perfectly fine conversing with him as a friend, like we used to the past nine years before dating. I don’t feel hurt anymore. Although this could just be because of the fact that I’m off social media and I’m not giving myself the opportunity to feel jealous or hurt by what he’s posting.

A part of me is just impatient for him to make a decision.

A part of me is frustrated that he doesn’t already know the answer.

A part of me feels demeaned by the fact that he doesn’t know whether or want he wants a relationship and life with me.

I’m sure it’s normal to feel lost every once in a while in your life, to go through a pseudo-mid-life crisis and begin to question everything in your life – whether what you currently have in your life is truly what you want. But I think that’s just a part of life. Living through it, learning what you like, learning what you don’t like, learning what works for you, and learning what doesn’t work for you. But you kind of have to experience it and live through it to know. I think the experience is more telling than the observation.

A very small part of me just wants him to make a decision, whether it’s to continue the relationship or break up. So I can move on with my life. I just feel like I’m in this limbo where I just want to have a comfortable, stable relationship whether that be with him or dating. I told him initially that I wouldn’t talk to other guys, one of the main reasons we switched to just a break. Now, I don’t know. I’m not necessarily in any rush. I’m veering farther away from the thought of kids so there’s less of a biological clock influencing the decision. It would just be really nice to have a stable, comfortable, equally beneficial relationship. I just want to have a person again. I think that’s really all it is. I want a person. I want someone to be there for me unconditionally, frequently. I want a person to spend my entire days and nights with. A person I can constantly talk to throughout the day. I want a person to share my life with.

I’ve already come to terms with the fact that this may be the end of us, so I’ve gotten over the initial heartbreak. I’ve come to terms that this may not be the one, as much as it did hurt to realize that. I just want to move on with my life at this point. I don’t like not knowing. It’s my anxiety, mostly, because things aren’t certain. I’m sure my impatience originates from my anxiety.

I just want there to be an answer, a decision. I don’t know how long I can wait. A day? A week? A month? A year? Okay, a year is a little too demeaning. I have a life and my time is precious, too. How long am I willing to wait? 3 months? 6 months?

I’m all into the romanticism ideas of meeting someone unexpectedly – at a grocery store, or at a restaurant, out geocaching (if I decide to) – and falling in love with them. But then what if it doesn’t work that way and I should actually be trying to put myself out there? …I digress.

Whatever happens, happens. Everything happens for a reason. Just hope that decision comes soon.