I can’t place this feeling. It was our first time meeting yesterday and I was nervous/excited. But now, to me, it feels like we’re already a well-established couple? I don’t really understand this feeling and whether it’s a good or bad feeling. There’s no awkwardness or anxiety anymore. I feel comfortable with him. I feel safe with him. I feel taken care of. Maybe this is my first time feeling truly secure, which I haven’t experienced before. It feels like there are no anxieties, surprises, or question marks. There’s no anxiety that he’s going to up and leave one day as I lived with the past year. There were moments of excitement, especially when we kissed. I still had a great time! I enjoyed every moment we spent together.

I’m hoping to feel more excited or for it to feel more like a honeymoon phase the more I spend time with him. I’m concerned that I won’t feel it.

I do have phases where my emotions are kind of numb. It’s like a switch. I could be completely in love with someone and the next day, feel absolutely nothing, and it’s utterly frustrating and confusing. I think it may be some kind of subconscious defense mechanism to protect myself. I remember the exact moment I started feeling this, too. I was in 7th grade. I woke up one morning, gasping and clutching my chest. It tangibly felt like my emotions were being pulled out of my chest. Like a rope being tied to my heart and pulled slowly away from my body. Since then, I’ve had these numb phases. Sometimes triggered by an argument, sometimes triggered by nothing at all. It takes a few days for my feelings to come back whenever this happens. It’s …unexplainable. I don’t know anyone that has experienced this feeling either. It’s discerning when it occurs because I won’t know how I truly feel about someone.

But I digress. Time to attend my first bridal shower (not for me).