Dreams

We arrived back at the car after shopping around. The air between us was tense, hostile. The kind of tense when you know a relationship is nearing its end. “Do you want to eat anything before we head back home?” I asked. He was looking at his phone intently, not responding. “Hey,” I said more sternly, trying to get his attention. Still no response. “What are you doing on your phone?” Annoyed now. “I can’t find any places to eat around here. I don’t have any data on my phone.” He finally said, not looking up. “What are you trying to look up?” I pulled out my phone, ready to search. No response. A car pulls up in front of us in the parking lot, and a man walks out, heading towards the stores on our right. He gets out of the car and approaches the man. “Hey! Do you have any data on your phone? I can’t get a signal out here. Verizon.” The man obliges with the odd request and lets him look at his phone. Remaining in the car, I roll my eyes and look through the map of the nearby restaurants. He returns back to the car. “How do you feel about ramen?” I ask, looking at several options on the map. No response. “You know what? I can’t do this anymore. Even if it’s different problems this time around, your attitude is still shitty. I’m sick and tired of this. We’re done.”

“Do you want to eat dinner together one last time before I never see you again because of that idiot?” His friend was actually good company.

I strolled by the cash register area to enter deeper in the store. I normally never went out by myself, but with my newfound single status, I enjoyed going out on my own. I pushed my shopping cart slowly, past a woman and the cashier at the register. “Oh, are you a murderino?” I heard the customer ask the cashier. Piquing my interest at the word “murderino,” I stopped and slowly walked backwards towards the women. “Did you say murderino?” I asked. “Yeah! I love that podcast!” The woman began saying. The two women excitedly talked about My Favorite Murder. “Are you going to their upcoming show in Europe?” The customer asked me. “No, but I am going to their wine & dine event at Karen’s house!” I said excitedly. “They have a wine & dine event?!” The customer asked, shocked. “Yeah! They just announced it but I think the waitlist is already closed. I was lucky enough to be part of the guest list. They were only allowing, I think, 50 guests.” I explained, elated. I was riding the high of being able to be a part of this event and to meet the women of the podcast, as well as be in Karen’s home. Of course, this would never happen in real life. It’s too much of a safety and privacy liability. The thought of being in Karen’s home for a dinner event is amazing though.

I think the moral here is it’s better to be on your own than in a dreadful, soul-sucking relationship. I’m glad I got out of it. I’m grateful for where I am now, albeit not single anymore. But dating a firefighter is basically being a “single married person” based on the amount of time he’ll be away. But I like this arrangement. The time away gives me the courage to go out and do things on my own, like I used to do when I was single. I used to never want to go anywhere by myself, but now I’m gaining that independence back where I don’t care if I’m out in public alone, at a restaurant, picking up food, grocery shopping. Being out in public by myself gives me the opportunity to make connections with strangers that I probably would have never given any mind if I weren’t alone. The idea of meeting other murderinos by chance in public excites me. I probably wouldn’t even know about, much less sign up, for a “wine & dine” event if I didn’t have time alone because I’d probably always be with my partner, only doing things we could do together. I enjoy this relationship. I enjoy the independence and simultaneous partnership.