Is it ADHD, anxiety, or hypervigilance in response to my trauma? I get distracted easily when talking to people. I notice when people walk behind the person I’m talking to, or move out of the corner of my eye. I hear multiple peoples’ conversations around me so it makes it hard to focus on the person in front of me. If I spot a bright color, I look at it. If my phone screen lights up, I look at it. I can rarely follow a single train of thought without hopping onto several other trains of thought along the way.

Am I just aware of my surroundings? At what point is it too aware? At what point is it not normal?

I sometimes do miss doing my Daily Affirmation posts because I miss how thoughtful they were. I just currently do not have the energy to sit down and blog. I’m mostly blogging on the go, during a break at work, or right before bed nowadays. I’ve been choosing to spend my time and energy in other things like binging tv shows, doing puzzles, reading, or relaxing. Don’t get me wrong, blogging is self-soothing; however, I don’t always want to be in my feelings after a long day.

I digress. Example A of my inability to focus on one thought.

I had a passing thought of defense mechanisms today. What are mine? I am by far much better at how easily defensive I get; how much of a wall I put up. I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part now. I lecture partners about them getting defensive and how unproductive it is, but do I also get defensive? I noticed when I’m upset, I tend to ramble about what, when, where, and why what the opposing party says is unproductive. I do sense that I get defensive and in the mind set of “I’m right” frequently, but not in the sense that what I said was right, but more in the sense that I see the bigger picture, I know what’s best for us as a couple and what is best for growing our relationship, so I know what we need to do to move past the conflict. Even when I recognize that it’s time to take a break from the argument and come back when we’ve both cooled our heads. I frequently think “I’m right” because I’m so aware of the situation and the solution and I see it as a teaching moment for my partner to walk him through further instances of the same conflict. But I recognize that this thought process can be treacherous. I’m not always going to be right. One day, we’re going to come across a conflict that I possibly may not know how to handle, and I need to be okay with that. But will I? I haven’t come across that situation in a very long time, so I’m wondering how I will react. Defensive? Manipulative? Emotional? Upset?

Being 26 now and looking at my past feuds with partners, it’s astonishing how different my approach to conflict is now. I’ve learned a lot, I’ve grown as a mature partner (at least, I hope). I used to be very manipulative in previous relationships. I used to play the victim card frequently. I used to ignore whatever my partner said about their feelings and only focused on how hurt I was. I was toxic. I contributed to unhealthy relationships and the toxicity because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. Being young and immature on both parts, it was difficult to have an actual, healthy relationship. There was a lot of “he said, she said”, a lot of tears, and a lot of yelling. A lot of escaping the house and driving around in the middle of the night. And I actually thought about this the other day, I haven’t gone out in the middle of the night and just drove for a very long time, and it’s a little bit of a good thing. It means I haven’t been brought to the point of mental distress in such a long time that I’ve needed to drop everything and just escape. Albeit, my hospitalization was a little different story.

I’m happy where I am, how far I’ve come. Almost to the point I wonder if there is anything else for me to gain, to grow upon. I feel, at 26, and with my past, I’ve endured a lot. Will I finally have happy and joyful experiences or is there still further distress and violence in my future?

Only time will tell.

That’s all. For now.