I’ve been so busy lately that I completely forgot about the one-year mark of my attempted suicide. In early August of 2021, I attempted suicide by overdosing and cutting. I received over 20 stitches, an overnight stay in the ER, a weekend stay at a psychiatric hospital, and a continuous healing process of my cuts – which are still healing.

I want to say that I am in a better place mentally now, a year later, but truth be told – I can still feel like I’m on the edge, except I’m much more aware of it now and can be more proactive. Depression and anxiety will never completely go away, but I am able to manage it better now. I’m aware of my limits and boundaries, I’m aware of what is best for my mental health now and I am feeling less bored and frustrated nowadays. I am taking care of myself more, my mental health, and growing in my self-awareness. Being switched from Lexapro to Zoloft has helped tremendously. I’m also less reluctant and more confident in my boundaries and standing up for myself.

Fidget rings and toys have helped quell my restless anxiety and helps me focus on the task at hand.

Derma-E scar gel has helped my healing process tremendously. It actually seems to work.

I still have trouble verbally communicating, but my written communication and thought processing has improved. My patience has improved.

I still have “call of the void” thoughts, but I’m much more aware of them now and how intrusive they are. I can also think to myself, “It didn’t work the first time,” and I remember the painful process of an unsuccessful suicide. I also realized that I don’t want to die, especially not in my current circumstances. I would not be happy with my life if I were to die soon. I still want to be truly loved and in a committed relationship, have a beautiful wedding ceremony, find a better place to call home, and frankly, have money. As material as these things are, they are what I want to live for – a good life for myself. Without financial insecurity, instability, health problems, etc. I’m still waiting to save up money just to get my wisdom teeth pulled.

I’m not in a better place yet, but I’ve made progress.