Memories

I feel as though I’ve been unusually reminiscent lately. It could be because it’s about that time of Joseph’s death anniversary. It’s funny how these things just happen unconsciously. These past few days on my drive home, I’ve caught myself thinking of a fond memory from college – but not of Joseph, because we didn’t have a chance to hang out much during that time.

I remember a time carpooling with a friend to/from school. He drove a stick-shift RSX and was a car enthusiast, so we had that in common. I think there was one or two more people with us, maybe we were going to a VSA event. We were coming up on some traffic and my friend, driving, said out loud, “Why is everyone braking?!” I looked at him and said, “Why aren’t you?!”

I’ve had this flashback a couple times this past week. I do see his life updates occasionally on social media (the only social media I’m on), and I have seen him again in the past year at a wedding. Am I reminiscent of the comradery I felt back then with him? The quality time we spent with our e-board, at retreats, meetings, hard times, and good times? Am I reflecting on the lost friendship we have now? Because I also thought about another friend that I used to carpool with and chat with often. He was also a car enthusiast and also from Long Beach, so we’d joke a lot about getting out of Long Beach and going to college away from our hometowns.

And then I think about Joseph. Because Joseph was also a car enthusiast. He had an RX7 that he was so proud of because he bought it himself. He worked hard. He worked multiple jobs at once frequently, sometimes three jobs at a time. We didn’t talk much after high school because we were both busy, but we’d try to squeeze in conversations here and there. I still have our last conversations saved in my photos. I remember that he wanted to move out from his parent’s house, make big moves, grow. He had such a mature mindset at such a young age. Working three jobs, having big goals and actually working towards them. He loved his family, but he wanted to branch out and be free. We were closer in middle school and high school because we hung out together with the same few people. Vin, Jo, and I were all pretty similar in personality: hard-working, determined, ambitious, real, down-to-earth. We had big dreams for ourselves because we knew what it was like to live under hard circumstances. We all struggled and we understood one another. Which is why I think that if Jo were still alive today, he’d be that protective older brother figure to me. He was always outspoken, tough, and protective. I can imagine him saying, “Fuck that guy. Where does he live? I’ll fuck him up,” after an imaginary scenario in which I confide in him after a break-up or some other conflict. Vin is an older brother to me, but more of the relaxed “you can tell me anything and won’t be judged” kind of brother. Jo is definitely the more… actionable type. Whatever he wanted, he put his mind to do and made it happen.

I thought the other day, “This is the first year we didn’t even plan anything, and almost forgot about him.” 5 years later. It’s been 5 years. We used to go to Joshua Tree to be close to where he was in his last moments. Vin’s gotten closure over the feels and processed the feelings of Jo’s passing, but I still feel sad around this time of year apparently. Even subconsciously. He got lost in July. His birthday was in September. He was found in October. His memorial was in January. I do miss him, even though we weren’t very close. Each interaction we had in our last conversations were sincere. He understood me. He understood what it meant to work hard and struggle. We would frequently message each other when he was taking a break at work, or just leaving work and going to his next job. Our conversations were real, even if they were short.

I don’t remember what our last interaction and visit was. Was it when he worked at the vape shop? Was it my house party at DB House? I think my party was the last time all 3 of us were together at once. I remember smoking with him for a bit. He seemed to have a lot of fun. He was working so hard around that time, he really needed the break. I remember he left pretty early, maybe around 11 or 12, because he had to get back to Long Beach and had work the following day. He was disciplined and responsible.

I get lost trying to find year-old conversations on social media. These are times when I wish we had physical photos, cards, physical mementos, or if I just had a better memory.

The last time we went to Joshua Tree, we saw a shooting star. I felt that it was him. We reminisced on who he was. We joked that he always wanted to make a big impression, to go out with a “bang.” We love you, Jo. I hope you’re resting. You deserve it.