It’s important to note that there’s a spectrum of estrangement, and it’s not always a forever thing, says psychologist Joshua Coleman, PhD, author of Rules of Estrangement. Sometimes people distance themselves or experience a loved one pulling away from them for short periods of time, long stretches, and sometimes forever. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the most common reasons for family estrangement is abuse, differences in cultural values or identity, and the failure to acknowledge the hurt that was caused, Dr. Coleman says. 

But, for me, there is one shining, unexpected benefit to estrangement: I’m overwhelmingly happier.

Estrangement isn’t an easy path to walk, and it can be filled with a whole range of feelings—like relief and contentment that you no longer have to deal with an unhealthy dynamic, grief for the relationship you once had, nostalgia for some cherished memories, confusion, and even excitement about what’s to come in the future, McDaniel says. 

9 People on How They Deal With Being Estranged From a Family Member

Sometimes you need to remember to put yourself first and do things to keep your peace. Distancing yourself emotionally from loved ones from time to time may be one of those things you just have to do for yourself.

‘I didn’t permanently end our relationship, and we later reconnected because of changes on my part. I needed some time, space, and therapy so I could decide how to move forward. Therapy and the timeout gave me the reset I needed, and I no longer avoided family gatherings where he was present.’

Mary, Estrangement doesn’t always last forever.

Remind yourself that even though you are part of a family, you are an individual that has needs and limits, too. You cannot always put your differences aside for the betterment of the family dynamic. Eventually, the dust you’ve been sweeping under the rug turns into a large pile of crap, and you’re no longer able to ignore it.

I spoke to my mother recently about an issue I became frustrated with within our family. She told me that she agrees with where I’m coming from, but she has always held her tongue about the issue because she wants to keep the peace within the family – and that kind of just broke my heart. My mother is willing to be taken advantage of so that there isn’t apparent drama or issues in the family, so that we could be happy. Even though that’s just another example of a mother’s sacrifice, that doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself and my mother and be the odd one out. I don’t mind speaking my mind as long as it brings awareness to an issue; if it helps another person feel supported, cared for, and loved. I appreciated that my mother understood where I was coming from and agreed, while also expressing that she felt hurt, too.

One thing we sometimes don’t realize as part of a family is that our parents are people, too. Growing up, we sometimes forget that our parents aren’t just our providers and caretakers, they have feelings, needs, and limits, too.