Growth is not just a mindset, it’s a proven change in actions, behavior, even lifestyle. You can say you want to grow as a person, you can say you haven’t done XYZ in a month, but at what point can you truly determine whether you’ve grown? Growth occurs when you can look back on your past and admit to yourself that what you did then was immature, immoral, wrong, and/or hurtful.

Growth isn’t just, “I want to change.” Growth takes time. Growth is an entire transformation of yourself, because you’re growing from someone you don’t want to be anymore. You’ve grown when you can say, “I’m not that person anymore,” and have actions/events that can prove that. Anyone can pick up a new habit for a month, but who’s to say it’ll be a lifelong change? Nothing but time will prove that.

I’ve grown from the cheating, immature, spiteful girl I used to be. I stopped cheating on my partners in 2014. I began learning how to clearly communicate my intentions, feelings, and goals in 2020, which is proven through the way I speak. I’ve been managing my anxiety and depression since 2021 with therapy, medication, and a psychiatrist.

The difference between me now and me then is a complete change in who I was, what I enjoyed doing, and how I treated people then. I am no where near the same person I used to be. I can recognize when my depression is spiking, what affects my anxiety, what triggers my trauma, what conversations I’m uncomfortable having, and I can recognize what I want in a potential life partner.

With that said, I know change and growth is hard. After being raped in 2014, I went through my “ho phase.” I slept around, trying to bury the pain, trying to prove to myself that sex meant nothing and therefore being raped meant nothing. I did that for about six months to a year, and of course, it just made things worse. I removed myself from that social environment and focused on my career at the time. I found out who my friends were at that time – and surprise, it wasn’t anyone I used to hang out with during my “ho phase.”

Since being raped in 2014 to my suicide attempt in 2021, it took the entire seven years for my trauma to be repressed, fester, and re-emerge itself into PTSD, before I could finally address it, grow, and change. 2017-2018 was also a formative year in my growth as that was when I was finally able to admit to myself and tell others that I was raped. It was the start of when my PTSD would emerge and my brain realized I was raped.

Since being on a 5150 hold in 2021, my medication has changed and I’m much more emotionally stable now – but it took time. It took from 2014 to now (2022-2023) to be emotionally and mentally stable. I recognize all the bad things I’ve done, and I hold myself to that standard that I’m not that person anymore. I don’t defend my poor decisions, I acknowledge that my actions and thought process was wrong, I don’t give excuses or try to explain my poor behavior, and I prove that I’ve changed with my history. Growth doesn’t happen overnight, nor over a month, or even a year. It takes an entire transformation.