As humans, we are social creatures. We require a community, a support system, people to collaborate with in order to make things happen. We cannot survive by ourselves.

We have an innate, biologically-driven ability to develop and form interpersonal connections.

Humans are Social and Emotional Beings

Because I know this, it makes the following all the more heartbreaking. I recently found out that a friend that I hold close to my heart actually met the man who raped me and one of our last interactions in person was that him and my rapist dropped me off at my dorm in college. I genuinely do not remember seeing him in person or ever communicating with him during my time in college, especially not during that specific time. He told me that was the last time we talked. We stopped talking after that.

And that makes me realize just how much of an impact trauma has on the mind and memories. It’s heartbreaking and unnerving to find out that I have no recollection of our last in-person interaction because I value our friendship so much. We met in middle school and have sporadically kept in touch since then. He’s one of the friends I have a soft spot for; he’s like an older brother to me. Thinking about it now, it brings me to tears. I desperately wish I can remember that night, what we talked about, what he looked like, or what we were doing.

A traumatic event doesn’t just lead to depression, anxiety, or flashbacks. It removes memories you know you would have treasured. It breaks bonds with people who were once your favorite people.

I’m tired of it. It makes me so angry that a single man can have this effect on me. My life has since been changed and even if I recover and move on from it, I can never have the same life I once had. I don’t have the memories anymore. I can’t truly appreciate my friends that were there for me because I didn’t even know they were there.

My rape occurred nine years ago and it still affects me to this day. Traumatic event after traumatic event adds to the existing anxiety, depression, and PTSD. It’s not something you can just get over or ever really fully recover from because it affects you – irreversibly changes you. You just learn how to manage it better over time and with therapy. I don’t think I will ever stop having PTSD, anxiety, or depression. I knew I had anxiety even as a child. The PTSD intensifies and adds on to the existing mental health conditions. The PTSD may be the worst part, and I’m only now realizing it.

My therapist told me that because I still hold anger and am still hurt by my past, I am giving power to the people that hurt me. I am still letting them have control over my life because of how I am still affected by it. While I understand the insight, this is probably one of the few things I don’t completely agree with.

While it does become easier over time to talk about hardships and traumas, I don’t think I will ever forget the emotions I felt during that time. You remember the negative events in your life more than the positive events. While I do want to work on letting go of the resentment I harbor towards certain people, I will never forget the hurt that I experienced. I can’t just think about the fact that I was raped and let it go. Yes, it happened in the past and being angry won’t change my past, but I am still allowed to have emotions about it. I’d honestly be more concerned about myself if I wasn’t upset that I was raped.

I don’t see it as a bad thing that I still tear up or get emotional when I talk about difficulties in my life because each time that happens, I learn new ways to cope and make it easier for the next time. The more I talk about it and put it out into the universe rather than holding it in, there is a small breath of relief.

At least nine years later, I am able to talk about it, I am able to process the emotions that came with it, and I am able to continue processing what I went through. Even if I still feel some anger and resentment, at least I am developing healthy coping mechanism to not allow it to consume me. It’s still progress.