I feel like I have no breathing space. I feel suffocated. This weekend is supposed to be fun and exciting, but I feel the exact opposite. I’m filled with anxiety and dread. I’m getting that feeling of having no feelings again. That self-defense mechanism feeling where my heart closes itself off to protect itself – leading to an absence of feeling any emotions. I’ve considered cancelling, but I also want to go on this trip because I need the change of scenery – even my therapist thinks the change of environment will be incredibly beneficial to me. My therapist also expressed the same concerns – meeting someone online in person. I felt a very motherly nature from my therapist in which she expressed her concern about me having the option of being alone with him – the hotel room he booked.

I may not exactly be on the nose, but I feel an immense amount of pressure. Friends asking if I’m excited for this weekend because I told them I would be meeting him. Him, expressing what he’s looking forward to. Meanwhile, I’m drawing a blank. I’m feeling a hollowness in my chest – although, it could be that I’m mid-anxiety attack and am having trouble breathing (but what’s new).

I’m proud of myself currently for being able to keep my head level and to keep my composure while going through this anxiety attack. I feel as though I finally have control over my body. While I am experiencing shortness of breath, abdominal pains, fatigue, and chest tightness, I am actively working on breathing slowly and giving myself time to recover. I’m not spiraling.

I am also anxious because I feel like I won’t have a solid support system during this weekend. While I have met everyone going on this trip, I am not particularly close to them except one person – and that one person already has a lot going on in his life, and will be part of the performance.

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>>Fast forward a day ahead. I took a break from writing this post to give myself an emotional break and try on some new clothes that got delivered today. To see what I bought, it’s on my instagram.

I decided to back out of the trip this weekend, and I’m very grateful that he didn’t take it harshly. I know he’s probably feeling hurt because this is something we both looked forward to for a while. He actually showed me that he was reading more into me being a highly sensitive person and to give himself context about how this weekend would have been overstimulating for me – and I really value that. Instead of resorting to anger or frustration upon being disappointed or hurt, he is understanding and takes initiative on his part to learn more.

While I still feel this hollowness in my chest, I know I feel remorseful towards him for not joining in the festivities this weekend – which means I still care. I think I’ve gotten scared over the few months that we’ve been talking because everything seems too good to be true – so it must be – and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around making a serious relationship work long distance. I was fine with the idea that this was just going with the flow, but it seems like it is being taken more seriously as of late as our feelings have intensified. This emotional numbness or dissociation has been a recurring episode throughout my life. I figured it’s just a “me” thing since I first experienced it in my childhood, but I can’t remember what triggered it. I’ve also never heard of anyone else experiencing the same feeling that I did that day.

In some situations you might feel emotionally overwhelmed. When you are “flooded,” you will have a hard time effectively thinking your way through any situation. In fact, the emotion centers of the brain will activate, reducing brain activity in the parts responsible for rational thought processes and making decisions. Behaviors then become impulsive, rather than reflective choices.

Overreactive responses sit at one end of the emotions continuum. When you have a childhood history of abuse or neglect, it is common to deny, dissociate, or shut down from pain. Lack of attention to your emotional world will leave you feeling disoriented. If you are intolerant of emotions, you will likely feel cut off, like something is missing, or as if you are just going through the motions.

The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control & Becoming Whole by Arielle Schwartz, PhD