I had a dream
That when I woke up you were finally there
That I believed
That all the hours turned to minutes, it’s not fair
And when I turned to look at where you should’ve been
I started drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes
And realized that there was something missing

On An On – Drifting

It’s easy to stay single and not deal with relationship woes until you actually start liking someone. Just two weeks ago, I was perfectly happy with where my life was. My soul was getting back on track, my health was less debilitating, and I was regaining my energy. I only went back on a dating app because I thought, “Why not?” I partially believed my horoscope when it said I would meet my future husband in October – or February if things were delayed. I wasn’t actively seeking a relationship when I went back on Hinge, I just wanted to make myself available to the opportunity. I didn’t think anything would actually come out of it.

But lo and behold, here I am. My cold heart has started to warm again, and my anxiety is on high alert because now that there is something I want, there is a possibility that I could lose it, and that hurts more than never wanting something in the first place.

I know there is nothing more that I can possibly do now except wait. I need to practice patience and be mindful that there is a time and place for everything. I need to lower my expectations, honestly. I put too much pressure on others to meet my expectations of what a perfect partner is, but that shouldn’t even be a standard. My ideal partner is what I think is ideal for me in my head, but not what’s practical in reality. A close friend also told me that lowering his expectations also helped him in his own dating life as well and he’s happier. This isn’t to say settle for less, but stop expecting perfection and be more realistic.

Yes, consistency is important, but fluctuations in energy and progress are normal. I should know this better than anyone else that growth and healing aren’t linear – so why do I expect everything else to be constant? I think consistency is a poor measurement when it comes to relationships. We fluctuate as we grow and try new things to figure out what resonates with our souls the most, and that’s not always going to be consistent. Being able to express yourself, your desires, and communicate is more important, as well as having patience. You need to be able to express when you’re feeling low, when you need rest, and what you need from your partner in times of need. Consistency alludes to a constant level of expectation, but that’s not always possible and you can’t dictate that from someone else because that other person has their own energy levels as well. You can’t always function at 50%, some days you’re at 10% while other days you’re at 90%.

My natural communication style, especially in writing, is very direct. After all, I write legal notices all day, I have to be stern and direct, and it’s what I do best. But this is the first time that anyone has actually pointed out how harsh my writing can seem without knowing me. And I need that in my life, I need people to tell me what to improve, not just agree with me because my feelings are hurt. I need people in my life to empathize but also gently criticize so that I can improve. One of my close friends said something along the lines of, “Without context, it does seem a bit harsh. But because I’ve known you for a decade and I know you just want to bring people together – I know there’s no malice.” And another close friend affirmed this, too – that because they know me, they know I never have any ill intent. And it’s true – I honestly think that my greatest strength in life is to connect people to one another. I’m like the friend that brings two people together and then those two people become best friends. I’ve always been the floater between friend groups because of this, and I used to take it really personal before. Now, it just makes me happy that I can connect friends to one another to help them accomplish similar goals because at least if I can’t directly contribute to a goal, then at least I know someone who can.

But the people that do know me know that my verbal/in-person communication and my writing style are two completely opposite sides of the spectrum. There are times where I’ll debate a topic with a friend over text, and I won’t be upset or emotional at all, but just passionate about the topic, and the other person will think I’m really upset and angry. “I don’t want to argue with you.” But I’m not arguing or upset at all. I honestly don’t get angry very often, and I have learned how to be more open-minded to consider others’ perspectives on different topics. I’ve learned to ask questions about things I don’t understand rather than make assumptions about what the other person means, especially when I realize that the other person is using a specific word differently than I am. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason,” and how the word “reason” in the phrase can be different for everyone. Some people believe everything actually does happen for a higher reason, whereas other people give reason to things that happen, which are similar but different concepts. Yet, those people would still use the same phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.” My friend and I were talking for about five or so minutes before I realized my friend’s use of the word “reason” was different than my understanding of the word “reason” in the phrase. For him, “reason” in the phrase meant that it was necessary for an event to happen. Whereas for me, I think of the word “reason” in that phrase as one of the possible fates for something to happen. This made more sense when I was talking to my friend about it in the moment but he understood me.

My communication in person is so much more kind and light-hearted because I laugh and smile very frequently on a normal basis. Sometimes it’s just a defense mechanism for awkwardness, but I am hardly ever serious or angry in person. When I do get upset, I stay silent, so when I am actually verbally communicating in person, it’s usually joyous. My writing is the complete opposite – I’d venture to say even devoid of emotion sometimes, because I’m so analytical and technical in my mind. But when I open my mouth and speak – I’m honestly really bad at making words come out physically the same way they happen in my head – it’s usually a jumble. If you met me in person and read my blog afterwards, you’d probably think my blog is all ChatGPT or something. When people meet me or call me for the first time, I usually get, “You sound different than I imagined.”

But being told this by people who love me and want the best for me – I know they’re not saying that I’m wrong or trying to purposely put me down. They still understand where I’m coming from and validate my feelings, and they redirect me in the right direction. Y’all need to hold each other accountable because this is what happens when you don’t – they go on to continuously think that they’re always right. This is especially important when it comes to friends you know that have committed sexual assault. Don’t just say, “You made a mistake,” and carry on because of your history or how much you love them. Hold your friends accountable for the trauma they inflict on others because it is never okay to sexually assault someone else – whatever that looks like to you.

When I write on my blog, I am very contemplative and try to choose my words carefully. When I’m texting someone, I hardly ever give my messages a second glance, and perhaps it’s due to knowing my audience. Maybe I’m so technical on my blog because I want to ensure my interpretation gets across to anyone reading it. Whereas when I’m texting, I have the preconceived notion that because the person knows how I interact in person or has known me for a period of time, they know that I’m not serious or they know how I use my words. This is why I frequently ask my friends for their opinion on a situation because I know they’ll understand where I’m coming from, but they’ll also point out things I can do better to get my point across or introduce another perspective for me to consider (or scream at me to leave the situation because it’s unhealthy). And I honestly love that about my friends and I love that my friendships have that kind of trust and openness.