My mind is my greatest asset, but also my greatest liability.

When it comes to actually doing something, if I let myself think about it too much, I end up talking myself out of it or telling myself, “I’ll do it later.”

Instead of simply watering my plant, my mind goes, “I need to water my plant,” to looking and analyzing my plant and thinking, “It looks fine,” or “I’ll do it later,” or “If I water my plant, I need to go out on the balcony, so then I need to make sure the cats don’t go outside because I don’t want them to get dirty,” which leads to me double-checking where my cats are before I can open the balcony door, and by that time, I’m already distracted by something new, like whether the cats’ food bowls need to be refilled.

My mind is exhausting. Letting myself think is exhausting. Even having the thought of “I need to respond to my friend’s messages,” is exhausting. It may just be the holiday season – putting up will all the festivities and theatrics and distractions, but I would like to not repeat this past year’s cycle where I end up chronically fatigued both physically and cognitively for a whole year.

Last week, I didn’t have the patience for small talk or any conversations without substance. Now, I don’t have the energy to socialize at all – or at least, that’s what it feels like. Even reading messages is exhausting. It makes me begin to wonder why I feel this way, which of course – is exhausting in & of itself.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling sad the past few days – like my body wants to cry, and I don’t know why. Am I just stressed? Is there something subconsciously that I am sad about? The last half of the year is usually hard for me because a friend of mine went missing in 2017 at the end of summer, and his body wasn’t found until 3 months later. The following month was supposed to be his birthday. And his memorial followed afterwards. So during a time when everyone is excited for the holidays, I mourned the loss of a good friend. And I know he wouldn’t want anyone to hurt. His family is so kind and wouldn’t want anyone to hurt either. But that kind of makes the hurt, hurt more. Grief gets easier over time, but it never quite fully goes away. Even though I haven’t actively thought of him in correlation to this time of the year, my body seems to have remembered. This is where being self-aware is a double-edged sword. I notice when something feels off, which leads to figuring out why I feel what I feel, and then once I figure it out, how do I just go on with my day? Sometimes ignorance is just easier. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Having notifications is exhausting. Messages unread. Reminders to take my medications. Calendar reminders. It makes me feel like there is constantly something that needs to be done, despite nothing really urgent happening. Why is simply existing so exhausting?