This year’s new year celebration was one of the few that I actually celebrated and it turned out that we actually missed the countdown. I had only glanced at my phone at the right time when the clock struck midnight while the stream we were watching was on an ad break. And while the new year is typically a very festive celebration, I felt like missing the countdown was a foreshadowing of the rest of the year.

When I returned to work the following business day, it turns out I wasn’t the only one who missed the countdown. Quite a few coworkers/friends actually missed the countdown too, for similar reasons with their streams. During discussions, it was concluded that this year’s new year felt very anticlimactic.

The holidays are usually a stressful time for many people – Thanksgiving dinner, accommodating family, Christmas shopping & gifting, putting up the tree, etc. So it’s not unusual to feel fatigued or burnt out from the holidays. Except… How long is it supposed to last? I still feel like I haven’t recovered from the social burnout – and I didn’t even do much. I saw a couple friends, my immediate family, and that’s it – yet, I still feel extremely exhausted. Is my chronic fatigue from the past year flaring up once again? Do I still have more stored trauma that’s being released due to the time of the year? I thought that I was on the mend. I had been regaining energy over the past few months, I was feeling better. Healing is never a linear process, but I really thought I was recovering from whatever the hell has been wrong with me for the past year.

One of the signs that I was getting better was not having to call out of work as often, yet this week I had another nervous breakdown (or something) and had to call out and spend time recovering. I don’t know what exactly it is I experience each time it happens, the best I can compare it to is a nervous breakdown. I mainly feel just an extremely overwhelming feeling of burn out and complete exhaustion, being on the verge of breaking down in tears, and feeling short of breath. It’s only two weeks into the year and it seems to be going the same way as last year. I honestly hope it doesn’t, I hope my mental status gets better.

I was able to finish all my pertinent chores this morning before 10:00 AM and I even left the house to grab coffee and get work done; however, I don’t know if that means I’m recovering or I’m getting ahead of myself and trying to do everything I’ve been pushing off the second I feel energy again. I also reached out to another friend to see if she wanted to hang out today rather than our plans tomorrow; however, circumstances ended up not working out and it wasn’t until I was on my drive home from the coffee shop to grab some things before seeing her that I felt exhausted once again. So in the end, I’m glad things didn’t line up for a meeting today, but it seems that period of rest and energy was short-lived.

I’ve been sleeping a lot. Like…a lot. Since changing my work schedule and adjusting my sleep schedule, I’ve been able to sleep better and struggled less with insomnia. I’ve been getting about 6-7 hours of sleep each work night, but for some reason, I’m still able to sleep plenty whenever I try to. I’m sleeping about 10-12 hours on the weekend still, still able to sleep more when I try to, and my energy levels are still stagnant. So even when I sleep too little, sleep well enough, or sleep too much, my energy levels aren’t affected. Does that rule out sleep being the main issue? I suppose that means I can begin focusing on other areas knowing sleep won’t make much of a difference. Of course, not completely neglecting sleep either.

My diet has still been suffering. I still have a low appetite, leading me to spend loads of money on food that I crave just to make sure I eat something. I haven’t been cooking because I don’t have an appetite and can’t decide what to eat, so how can I buy groceries and prepare a meal when I may not even eat it afterwards? I’ve gone through loads of fresh produce with the intention of cooking and eating, only to not have an appetite for the produce after purchase and they end up expiring/spoiling. I’d rather spend money on food that I will actually eat, even if it’s a bit pricier, than waste food like that. Unfortunately, leftovers aren’t very appetizing to me either so I end up spending a lot of money on fresh takeout. I’m typically able to make one meal last 2-3 meals because of my small appetite, so I somewhat make the food last its value, but it’s still pricey. In this economy? I’m just trying to keep myself alive. When I ultimately can’t get myself to eat, I end up resorting to protein shakes. But despite all of these challenges, my vitamin D levels and iron levels are back to normal values. I’m no longer deficient in these areas. So despite a horrible diet, I’m doing something right. Honestly, it’s a struggle just keeping myself alive day to day.

If I don’t eat enough, I get headaches, I feel weak, and I start shaking. Especially if all I’ve had is coffee so far. Obviously this isn’t unusual, but it’s been happening often due to my inappetence and finances.

With all of these affects on my health, it’s a lot to process. It takes a lot of energy to just get by and decide how I’m going to keep myself alive until the next day.

And it’s only two weeks into the new year. We’re still on the struggle bus, and it looks like it’s going to be a lot longer ride than I initially thought.