A portion of my dream last night included my ex-best-friend (let’s just call them Ruby from now on) sending me a text out of the blue. I didn’t quite remember this when I woke up this morning, but my mind wandered to it now. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Even in my dream, I was shocked into silence reading a plain, “hi lena” text from Ruby.

This is the same person who had told me ~5 months ago that they no longer wanted to be my friend after 11 years of unconditional love and friendship. The same person who would send me birthday presents when they could and long messages on each of my birthdays to tell me how grateful they were to still have me in their life.

And in my dream, the decision to be my friend again came as suddenly as the decision to not want me in their life anymore. The only thing I can think of is, “why?” Of course I’ve been wanting to get a message from Ruby ever since they decided to stop being friends, but why all of a sudden when I haven’t thought about it for weeks?

I am a strong believer in fate and that there’s always a spiritual meaning behind something. The only thing I can think of about why this decided to pop up now is because I think I may be moving forward (finally) in my relationships. I met someone. In a previous post, I mentioned that my horoscope said I would meet my future husband in October (2023) or February, if delayed. Well folks, it may have actually happened. Don’t get me wrong – I’m highly skeptical about astrology, horoscopes, psychics, tarot reading, etc. I am a hard science and logic person, but the spiritual side of me wanted to believe it. So in February, I got myself back on Hinge and played the dating game (yet again). I figured it doesn’t hurt to actually try during this fated period. Everyone knows how begrudging dating can be, but I finally had a good first date ever with this person and things seem to be going well – so far. I tend to get ahead of myself, but I can’t help it when it’s aligning with a prediction of fate. Back to the dream before I jinx it.

I am hoping that seeing that glimpse of my past in my dream meant I am moving forward. Typically when I have PTSD or flashbacks, it’s usually the big moment where I can finally let go of what was harrowing me. Each time I’ve had a PTSD episode, it prompts me to question why I’m having the episode and why it’s eliciting such feelings in me, and I have been able to figure it out on my own each episode. I have reached out to therapists each time I have a PTSD episode, but I have been the one to figure out why, what the trigger is, how it affects me, etc. From that point usually, once I have it all figured out, it no longer haunts me. I don’t know how exactly or why, but maybe it has something to do with confronting and accepting it.

I’m hoping this dream is something similar. An event that triggers pain and hopefully I am right about why it showed up, so that I can fully let it go. It still hurts thinking about the concept of a close friendship suddenly being cut off after 11 years of unconditional love, support, and friendship, but I have no ill will towards Ruby. I never did. I was never angry towards Ruby. Just so sad – heartbroken. It hurt more than any break up I had ever gone through – including the one that partially contributed to my suicide attempt.

I wailed, bawled, the definition of ugly crying. But with everything I had endured in my life up to that point, I was able to handle it. And I’m hoping – so hoping – that this is my sign that I am moving forward; that I am finally moving past all the painful relationships; that all relationships/friendships retained and moving forward will last.

My horoscope said my more meaningful and deeper relationships will happen later in life. 28 is probably not considered “later” in life for most people, but I think it was worded that way specifically for me because to me, this is my later in life. My early adulthood was absolute shit and felt like enduring the depths of darkest for such a long time. It actually has been an entire decade of constant traumas, assault, PTSD, and all the other bad things; from 18 to 28.

I’m hoping my horoscopes are actually true because I am ready to be happy finally, and given my past, I absolutely fucking deserve it. It’s about time.