Perhaps I’m in denial, disbelief, or dissociating.

Going to bed the night before and knowing how the results were trending – I expected to feel utter despair, fear, and panic. Yet, I remained unnaturally calm – hopeful, even, that maybe it won’t be as bad as everyone thinks. Or maybe that’s just all I have left to hold on to: Hope.

That night, I had a dream in which I woke up and found that Harris had made 271 votes. But the reality was quite clear when I woke up and found messages from several friends expressing, “we’re fucked,” in various ways.

And while my friends are devastated, anxious, and preparing for the worst, I – for some reason – don’t share the same emotions. Is it because I knew this day would come? Of course I hoped Harris would win, but I think I knew deep down that the other side was louder and more loyal. Many of the flipped votes are because Trump signifies drastic and needed change to the States and consistent loyalty to the Democrats weren’t producing results. Which is entirely valid, but this election was less about which party you’re voting for and more about which future you’re voting for. Trump has all the requisite qualities to be a leader – but whether that’s a good or bad one is highly questionable. Trump is a great salesman, although I personally don’t see the charisma or persuasion. I hear the great promises from Trump, but also see great delusion. Promises can be broken, as they so frequently are in election campaigns. Trump knew who his supporters were and simply played to his strengths – white privilege, racism, misogyny, and money.

But what we actually need is to come together to solve the problems we have today rather than antagonize one against the other, claiming privilege and the right to be here. Hatred doesn’t solve anything. It’s like therapy 101: your hatred and anger only hurts you. Maybe that’s why I’m so numb about all this, because I know being angry about the results won’t help.

I work in the legal industry – of course I want everyone to abide by the law. But at one point, someone in our family was an illegal immigrant seeking asylum from genocide, communism, and/or utter devastation from their home countries. America was the safe place. And it’s disheartening that a country that welcomed refugees with open arms and allowed them to start new lives with nothing but the clothes on their backs has turned into this. That same country wanting to shut its borders and deny the very origin of its history. This country was never ours to take, but made its history by the very powers that be immigrating and colonizing its native population. It’s a bit ironic that the very country that developed as a melting pot of immigrants now wants to get rid of (illegal) immigrants. Do people actually know what it takes to become an American citizen? Directly from the American Immigration Council’s website:

• In order to be admitted through the family-based immigration system, a U.S. citizen or LPR sponsor must petition for an individual relative, establish the legitimacy of the relationship, meet minimum income requirements, and sign an affidavit of support stating that the sponsor will be financially responsible for the family member(s) upon arrival in the United States or adjustment to LPR status within the United States. The individual relative must also meet certain eligibility requirements that include submitting to a medical exam and obtaining required vaccinations (including a COVID-19 vaccination), an analysis of any immigration or criminal history, as well as demonstrating that they will not become primarily dependent on the government for subsistence.
• To quality as a permanent employment-based immigrant:
  • “Persons of extraordinary ability” in the arts, science, education, business, or athletics; outstanding professors and researchers, multinational executives and managers.
  • Members of the professions holding advanced degrees, or persons of exceptional ability in the arts, science, or business.
  • Skilled workers with at least two years of training or experience, professionals with college degrees, or “other” workers for unskilled labor that is not temporary or seasonal.
  • Certain “special immigrants” including religious workers, employees of U.S. foreign service posts, former U.S. government employees and other classes of foreign nationals.
  • Persons who will invest at least the minimum amount required or a lower minimum for certain types of investments, and remain invested for at least two years, in a job-creating enterprise that employs at least 10 full time U.S. workers. The minimum dollar amounts have been adjusted at specified intervals.
• Refugees are admitted to the United States based upon an inability to return to their home countries because of a “well-founded fear of persecution” due to their race, membership in a particular social group, political opinion, religion, or national origin. Refugees apply for admission from outside of the United States, often from a “transition country” that is outside their home country. The admission of refugees turns on numerous factors, such as the degree of risk they face, membership in a group that is of special concern to the United States (designated yearly by the president and Congress), and whether or not they have family members in the United States.
  Asylum is available to persons already in the United States or arriving at a port of entry who are seeking protection based on the same five protected grounds upon which refugees rely. Refugees and asylees are eligible to become LPRs one year after admission to the United States as a refugee or one year after receiving asylum.
• To be eligible for a diversity visa, potential applicants from qualifying countries must have a high school education (or its equivalent) or have, within the past five years, a minimum of two years working in a profession requiring at least two years of training or experience.

I don’t know about you, but unless I’m already coming from a well-developed country that allows women to even receive higher education, I would not be able to become an American citizen under these circumstances. Not everyone has the privilege to wait to be sponsored by a more educated family member, have enough money to “invest” their way to becoming a citizen, or be fiscally able to not rely on the US government for subsistence. If it weren’t for student loans, I myself wouldn’t have ever had the chance to get two degrees before 30. It probably would’ve taken me just as long and twice the mental and emotional anguish to get just one – and I’m not even working in the same field as my first degree.

If it weren’t for simply being born here – a decision that was beyond my control – I would not be an American citizen. I most likely don’t have the minimally-required funds to invest for two years consistently, because even now I live paycheck to paycheck. I certainly don’t have an “extraordinary ability.”

You either have to have money or have connections to immigrate legally. Even if you are a refugee or seeking asylum, you need to be in the States for at least a year before becoming eligible to be a permanent resident. That means you have to be an illegal immigrant for a year before you can become a resident.

Immigration bans implemented by the Trump administration effectively shut down the Diversity Visa Program in 2020 and left roughly 43,000 of that year’s lottery winners without their visas.

– American Immigration Council, FACT SHEET: How the United States Immigration System Works.

It’s just so baffling to me that so many people agree that illegal immigrants are a problem today. It’s even more ridiculous that people would believe immigrants, whether legal or not, are eating their dogs? When Trump says immigrants are violent criminals, I think what he’s really saying is people of color. And at that point, it’s just a flawed justice system that has systemically antagonized people of color since its inception.

I’ve seen these truths and flaws in American history long before this election campaign. I credit being able to see the truth to being a woman – another population which has been systemically silenced, violated, and abused. And maybe that’s why I’m not fazed with the results – because it’s just what America does best. While externally touting diversity and a second chance at a new life, internally antagonizing those same people who it makes promises to.

Maybe I’m dissociating to protect myself. Ignorance is bliss.

I told my friends that I’m just going to keep my head down and – jokingly, quarantine myself for the next 4 years and just try to brave the storm. What else can I do? I fear for my life, as I do every day as a woman, but especially now with Trump as president again. While I am fairly outspoken, I fear the target on my back that’s caused by Trump’s presidency. Simply by being a woman, simply for believing everyone has basic fundamental human rights. Perhaps I’m playing into his hand by wanting to stay quiet and protect myself. But any other option seems entirely fruitless and I’d rather preserve my energy at this time.

At most, I’m in denial. Everything will be fine, right? At least this’ll be his last term and he can’t run for president again. Ignorance is bliss. I just won’t consume as much media for the next 4 years. Surely the federal government and justice system will stave off any of his outrageous promises. He can’t singlehandedly wipe away inflation and give everyone a living wage – that’s just not how things work. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

It’s disheartening and disappointing how things have turned out, but I wouldn’t say surprising. None of my friends or I are surprised at the results, especially since it has happened once before.

But what’s left? All we have left to hold on to is our hats and our hope. Weather the storm, friends. We’ll get through it, and then there can only be sun after the rain. The good part about hitting rock bottom is you can only go up from here.