My little band of friends seem to all be similar to me in that we’re lone souls. We don’t really seem to fit in into too many places, but that’s what I love about them the most. They understand me and I understand them – quirks, mental health, and all. I can only hope I show my appreciation, love, and care to them as much as I feel it.

I’ll never not be thankful for the people in my life – good or bad, stayed or gone. Each person taught me a lesson that shaped me into who I am today.

There’s been a lot of heartache and loss, but I think that comes with the territory given my experiences. My past involves a lot of broken trust and deep emotions. A lot of loss in self-identity and self-worth, which I’m still struggling to regain.

I place so much value in the relationships that I have that I struggle to identify who I am without the people in my life and my relationship to them and vice versa.

But they are what got me through the toughest times of my life (so far). I honestly don’t think I’d be here after my suicide attempt without them – my support system. The healthcare workers didn’t even let me leave the hospital without a solid action plan of support from the people in my life. The fact that I lived on my own at the time was a serious risk factor to them.

Last night, my mind grazed over a memory from the night of my suicide attempt. I was thinking of who in my life were most important to me and why. There were two specific people that my ex called that night to help me. We’ve grown a little bit apart since then (considering one has since moved to a different state) but that memory reminds me of why I consider them close friends.

I’ve been considering who I find important in my life more recently because (in addition to the loss of a close friend), I’ve been involved in a more serious relationship now and I use my friends as my sounding board when it comes to the people I date. They see it a lot better than I do when a relationship is good or bad for me because I’m stuck behind rose-colored glasses and the initial honeymoon phase. But so far, so good. So far everyone likes him.

Speaking of which, the history of trust issues and lack of self-love and self-worth has been really great in this new relationship (that was sarcasm). It’s incredibly difficult to find someone who wants to be with you and care for you and be stuck in a chasm of doubt and anxiety. I’ve never been on the cautious side of love and I find it difficult to navigate now that I find myself on that side now. It’s uncharacteristic. I normally dive head first and fall fast – and hard – and I throw caution to the wind. It’s different now, and I don’t know if it’s a “good” different.

---

I don’t intentionally put up a facade but I think most people see a strong and whole woman when they see me. I’m not. And ironically enough, it was a psychic I got a palm reading from recently that pointed this out. I never saw it that way before, but it’s true. I effuse a lot of confidence and strength, so much so that I’ve been described as intimidating based off first impressions. But there’s a lot of inner work to be done. There’s a lot of love that needs to fill the gaps.