We do things that are truly out-of-character when we’re angry, furious. We say mean things; we act indifferent, rude, mean, disrespectful. We get frustrated, scream, yell, berate.

There are certain people that have the ability to push our buttons much more than anyone else because we care for them more than others.

And all I can think of is: Why does it keep happening? Why do I keep letting him anger me so much? Why do I keep caring so deeply about him even though everything he does pushes my buttons? How do I stop getting so angry at him?

Is it me? Is it him? I’m believing more and more each day that we are just not compatible. He doesn’t know how to communicate and process his feelings, he doesn’t know what’s best for him. In a nutshell, he doesn’t know how to be responsible for his feelings or actions. He doesn’t know how to behave in a relationship. He truly does not understand what it means to be in a relationship.

Yet, I keep trying to teach him while he is so closed-minded. You cannot teach people who do not want to be taught. You cannot open the mind of someone who is stubborn and refuses to believe anything other than what they already convinced themselves of.

It is a hopeless battle.

Until he can take responsibility for his actions, his feelings, his behaviors.

Until he can have the foresight to understand that his actions affect others.

Until he can open his mind to other possibilities.

There is nothing for me to do here.

The only way I will continue to move is forward.

I am done being stuck on the same stepping stone while he just continues to stay on the river bank.

I have tried so desperately to get him to take two steps forward, yet he always takes one step back.

I advised him that he most likely was happy with me, but felt unfulfilled by the other circumstances in his life – an unsatisfactory career (to him), the inability to balance hobbies and the relationship, the inability to set boundaries for himself. I advised him that, at one point, he did have everything, but his inability to put work into it, set boundaries, balance time, led to the undoing. And he blamed everything on me and the relationship because it was the only thing that changed recently, yet he had been unhappy for a long time. He had been sitting in his unfulfillment for so much time that being with me and my aspirations, the thought of creating a life together, just made him feel even more unfulfilled. And he never addressed it. He kept thinking, “It’s nothing, I’ll get over it.” It does not work that way. You let it fester and soon it will emerge, in a big way.

I can see the problems so clearly that it’s almost tangible and yet he cannot. He refuses to believe that anything I say is true. He refuses to believe anything that comes out of my mouth because I am the enemy to him. To him, I am the antagonist that attacks him by pointing out the lies, the inconsistencies, the hard truth. I am the antagonist that suggests healthier habits than the alcohol-inducing, party-life habits he is already so used to. The dangerous habits from young adulthood that he is still practicing in his 30s. The dangerous habits that resulted in a DUI that he still does not believe is a problem, that lets him think that being around a crowd of intoxicated people ten years younger than him is okay. It’s almost predatory behavior; the guy that still goes to music festivals and raves alone or with another guy friend when they are 10+ years older than the average age range. And for what reason? For what reason does one choose to seek these scenes out instead of trying something new, experiencing new places, traveling, meeting new (sober) people that you can actually have a conversation with and get to know. What does one truly hope to accomplish from that? Temporary happiness for 4 hours? Stress relief? There are other forms of stress relief than going to a rave after being awake for 30 hours, working overnight the night before, staying out all day with friends. There are healthier, safer forms of stress relief.

It’s obvious he puts himself in a depressive cycle by working graveyard shifts, not sleeping properly, staying awake for more than 24 hours, not giving his body enough rest, binge-drinking with friends, and then deciding to stay out all night as well. You would think that the behavior I’m describing is some young, 20-something year old college kid, excited to go to a rave with all his friends, but sadly, it’s not. The things he thinks he’s doing to make him happy just put more stress on his body and leads to more depression. Self-care is a thing for a reason. He does these things because it brings him temporary joy while he’s doing it. But how does he feel afterwards? How does he feel a few hours afterwards? The next day? Does he still feel happy? Does that feeling keep him fulfilled, warm at night? He’d probably say it does in an arrogant, “you’re wrong” kind of way. But we’ve all been there.

It’s unfortunate he’s six years older than me and I realized these things four years ago, as a 21-22 year old.

You cannot change the minds of people who do not want to be changed.

You cannot help the people who do not want to be helped.

You cannot help the people who refuse to believe anything is wrong with them. The people that believe complacency is perfectly fine. The people that believe they’re not doing anything wrong.

You just can’t.

And I should stop trying.

I’m ready to cross the river and go back on my path forward, even if it means leaving him on the other side.