We live in a swipe-right, blip-span culture of clickbait, 140-character arguments, and thirty-second viral videos. It’s easy to get someone’s attention, but it’s almost impossible to keep it.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara

We live in a time where going “viral” can make you rich and famous and working a standard job doesn’t provide a living wage in California. We live in a time where everything needs to be communicated in 30 seconds of less, where time is “more” valued but our use of time is less meaningful. As I’ve said before, I try to restrict my time on social media, because it’s all just noise. It’s all a distraction from the world in front of you. As quoted above, social media is great for capturing our attention for a few seconds, but it’s not enough to keep attention. Attention is fleeting and changes any moment. Social media limits our attention span because of how we’ve become so used to getting to the point in thirty seconds. It limits our patience. Our compassion. Because you make a judgment off the first few words already. You jump to conclusions without the context. You take everything personal because it’s a “you” world on social media. Everything revolves around you. But it doesn’t. And people need to remember that. It is not your world. A person’s decision to go on a mass-shooting spree doesn’t just change their world and fix their problems, it affects others in ways they cannot even fathom. The likes and comments on a social media post: Is that because of what you portrayed or what the followed/observer has concluded from your post? Social media is wrought with miscommunication and is weakens our interpersonal relationships because we become so limited in thought, in our own thoughts without truly understanding, or even giving the chance, to understand another person’s perspective.

I digress.

Today was a rest day. I started my day by attending my online stenography class through Project Steno. During class, my mom texted me out of the blue, inviting me to go out to lunch with her. Coming from a typical Asian family in which we were never really close, this was definitely a change of pace. Although my family has become closer over the years, especially with our health ailments and lifestyle changes creating more valued time with one another, this still felt very new to me. My mom has never outright just asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with her, by ourselves, over text. It’s usually when she’s already accompanying me to an appointment that we go out alone together. Never out of the blue, spontaneous.

I agreed, but after my stenography class ended, I still felt tired. I didn’t sleep well last night – I haven’t been sleeping well lately, mostly due to the heat (hopefully). So even though I agreed, I ended up later rescheduling to another time for lunch. And I do feel slightly guilty because I know it would have been time well-spent regardless, but I don’t like going out and spending time with someone when I’m not 100%. I feel bad when I can’t give the other person my full attention and energy. Social situations drain me a lot, so being out and social is a challenge for me. And I frequently flake on them (sorry, not sorry).

Instead of lunch, I decided to go to the local library to reduce my own energy waste and take advantage of the library’s air conditioning instead. But after visiting the library and finally looking around inside, I found that there were no areas to sit leisurely and read. No comfy chairs or couches or a “lounge” area for adults. So after a while, I decided to head to a coffee shop to finish reading the last of I’ll Be Gone in the Dark, and again, enjoy some air conditioning. If businesses are already running air conditioning, why waste money and energy using your own?

525 Coffee Co. was actually a huge surprise to me. I walked in and saw that the few patrons inside were Asian, and that immediately made me feel comfortable. It’s a different feeling when you walk into an establishment where you know your ethnicity is welcomed. The barista was also Asian, greeted me very kindly, and immediately tended to me. Being Asian, I am lactose intolerance, and frequently don’t get asked, “With regular milk?” when ordering coffee at non-Asian places. It’s a small detail, but I am really thankful that the barista asked me that question because I didn’t initially see the milk options on their menu as I was skimming through it to order. The fact that she asked that question reminded me to order a milk alternative to accommodate my lactose intolerance.

I ordered an iced caramel latte with oat milk. The flavor and quality of the coffee here is actually really good. It’s usually a hit or miss with small businesses, but this place is definitely a hit. You can actually taste the caramel flavor, and the coffee isn’t too strong nor watered down at all. It’s a great balance of flavor, coffee, and overall quality. It’s additionally not jam-packed with ice, which is nice. You get a good amount of coffee without a cup-full of ice. Which is also a plus for me, because I normally order light ice whenever I order drinks.

It is on the pricier side, coming to $7.25 for one drink. But I’ve had worse coffee for the same price, so it doesn’t really matter to me. In my opinion, the price is worth it because the coffee is actually good. It’s definitely much better quality than Starbucks, which may not be saying much, but Starbucks is usually my go-to.

The location of 525 Coffee Co. is the opposite direction of where I typically travel, so I’m not sure when the next time I’ll come back is, but it’s a good recommendation for others and a good place to visit when I do have more time on my hands.

This is probably the first weekend where my weekend actually isn’t busy or jam-packed. And it’s nice. I like being able to choose what to do during my day and being able to spontaneously get up and go to the library or a coffee shop without too much thought. I am still used to going out by myself and getting errands done alone and going to places like a coffee shop alone, but I’m still not quite back to the point of dining out by myself. I used to be at one point. But maybe it’s for the best anyways, I would save more money by not dining out.

Now to the book. I am interested in true crime, like many people are, but that’s not the primary reason that I chose this book to read. Michelle McNamara was a staple name throughout the Golden State Killer case. She provided so many leads, help to law enforcement, and she helped eliminate suspects in her practical web-sleuth detective ways. She actually worked closely with detectives on the case rather than just behind the scenes and solely online. But that’s not the part that captivated me. One, she’s a woman. Two, she died before police were able to catch the Golden State Killer. Three, she was Patton Oswalt’s wife. Okay, three isn’t so important, but it’s pretty cool knowing a little bit of pop culture since I typically stray away from anything pop-culture-related. The Golden State Killer does hit closer to home because he did commit crimes in California and more specifically in Orange County, so it’s relevant. But item two is probably the most captivating part of the author’s life that brought me to reading this book. Michelle McNamara died before ever seeing an end to the greatest mystery in her life, to the greatest passion she had, to the hours of endless researching and lead-following (online and in-person). Her death is what makes this book so much more important. She died doing what she loved – trying to find justice. She died while fighting to find the Golden State Killer. There’s just something about her death that makes this seem so much more unique to me. Each death should have a purpose and she made a huge impact on the outcome of GSK. Her death made a difference. It was not in vain.

Just two years after Michelle McNamara died, the Golden State Killer was finally caught. There are so many questions that have probably been answered – or not – by the man who committed the crimes himself and Michelle McNamara will never know the answers to them. But I’m sure she’ll be happy to know that he was finally captured. She can rest in peace.

I hope there comes another book where all of Michelle McNamara’s questions about the Golden State Killer are answered. I know I have quite a few about GSK as well. How was he able to evade law enforcement for so long? Why did he run across roofs to get away? How did he pick his victims? Why did he not wear pants to some crime scenes? Why did he ultimately stop committing crimes? Why? Were all of those leads and evidence monumental to his capture? Why did he go back and forth to certain locations? Was it due to his work, where he lived, why?

There are tons of speculation, but I’d rather know the answer from the source himself. But I’m not so invested to look up the answers, because I don’t care for the criminal. I care for the victims. I wonder if GSK ever read Michelle McNamara’s book.

It’s just astonishing to me that a human being can commit crimes like this. That a person can think of destroying peoples’ lives in the matter of hours. To inflict so much damage, pain, and insanity onto another human being. The lack of compassion, consideration, thought (or too much?). These victims have their entire lives changed from the moment that crime happens.

When you are a victim of violent crime, you cannot live your life the same way as you did before you became victim of a crime. I’ve read here and there that your brain actually changes when you experience trauma. You don’t think the same way as you did before. For moments after a violent crime, you’re too afraid to be by yourself anymore. You become hypervigilant. You notice everything around you. You jump at every sound you hear. You’re wary of every stranger you cross paths with. You can’t trust anyone. You install added security measures to make your home safe to prevent another crime from happening to you. You go numb emotionally for a while, in denial. You think about death a lot more now because that was a real possibility during the crime. You think about your loved ones, your family more. You think about what will happen to them when you die a lot more tangibly. It’s no longer a “what if” thought, it’s a “when it happens” thought. It affects everything in your life. Your sex life, relationship, friends, family, hobbies, work, everything. You can’t just go back to work the next day or the next few days as if everything’s okay. You can’t talk to your friends, significant other, or family as if nothing happened.

There is an unspoken effect that trauma has on a person’s sex life. I am talking from my own personal experience, but I’ve also read here and there similar experiences: Sometimes what you experienced during rape is what later turns you on and excites you during sex. And a lot of people feel ashamed because of that. I did for a long while because I would immediately think, “It’s because I was raped that I like this now.” It has something to do with the intensity of the feeling at the time of the rape and that it triggers the same intensity/adrenaline later on. Our brain works in a lot of weird ways, and this is just one of them where it takes something from a traumatic event and uses it against you. I learned to understand it and that it’s not an absolutely awful thing. It’s just how the brain works. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s trauma, and if someone doesn’t understand that, there’s no convincing them. It’s just the truth of the matter.

Every conversation turns into, “Are you okay?” and “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Although each person probably means it, you hear it so often at that point that it becomes meaningless. You refrain from what makes you happy because you can’t possibly be happy after surviving a violent crime.

You slowly learn as time goes on to grow from victim to survivor. You learn to live what happened to you. You can’t forget it. It becomes part of you. It changes how you live, who you are, and how you see life. You change into a different person. You can never go back to the person you were before that crime.

Of course, everything I’ve stated is my own personal experience and every person’s experience and subsequent trauma, or lack thereof, differ. No one person may experience things the same way. But if you do relate to what I went through, I hope you find solace in the fact that you are not alone. It seems impossible to live past victim and evolve into survivor, but it’s possible with time.

And even as survivor, I attempted suicide. Maybe related, or unrelated, to the trauma I experienced to being rape. But the catch is that, you don’t know. You don’t know how it affects your life until it does. Your mental status changes from that point forward. I don’t know who I would be today, how I would think, or if I would have ever become suicidal if I didn’t get raped. The hope is, hopefully not, but you truly never know. You can’t know how you exist in alternate circumstances. You have to make do with what cards you’re given in the moment.

I would not be the person I am today if I were not raped, if I did not attempt suicide. I would not have the same relationships with the people I have today if I had not been raped or attempted suicide. Being raped and attempting suicide added another layer of my existence, but it does not define me. My survival and growth is what defines me. I have learned to accept, live, and grow with my traumas, my mistakes, my misfortunes. If you need a little push, here’s the first step: Acceptance. Accept that you made a poor decision, or accept that it happened to you. Stop being in denial, it helps no one.

So what’s next after becoming a survivor? If you have a greater purpose in life, go for it – whether that’s giving back to the community, achieving a successful career, travelling the world, having a family, owning a house. But for me, I haven’t found my calling yet. My career is mediocre and I don’t have a particular fire or passion for one thing. And maybe my greater purpose is to be a survivor and live past my misfortunes. Maybe this is my greater purpose. But we won’t really ever know until we die, right? Or maybe we never find out. Life’s crazy like that. You don’t really know anything. And then we all eventually die. But that doesn’t mean you stop living because you’ll eventually die and everything you’ve obtained will be for nothing. I’ve learned to live in the moment, rather than worry about my future because the future is fleeting and can disappear at any moment. I’ve learned to enjoy the small things.

A small personal accomplishment throughout reading this book is that I actually finished reading it before it was due back to the library. I didn’t have to renew the book in order to finish reading it. Progress! It’s not a huge book – 328 pages – but it’s still a small feat while I’m trying to get back into reading.