Past, Present, Future

It’s been on my mind to write, but not enough to actually do it as I haven’t felt the need to. It’s been almost three months since my last post, and this post is actually about the same topic as my previous.

What do you do when your “best friend” suddenly tells you they don’t want to be your friend anymore and they need a fresh start – completely cutting you off with no further explanation – and then months later, tells you they’re sorry and explains what happened? I was understandably upset when the loss happened. I cried hysterically. I bawled. I ugly-cried.

Past

When they first stopped talking to me, I had moved all of the gifts they had given me over the years because it hurt too much to look at them. Some of them were moved to my office at work and some were hidden in a box or simply pushed to the back. I had gotten used to this – to not seeing a trace of them in my life everyday anymore.

I frequently wondered whether they thought of me, the same way I thought of them throughout the week. As time went on, these thoughts slowed in frequency and eventually they were no longer a passing thought. I had gotten used to this as well – no longer thinking about them absentmindedly and whether they were doing well.

I deleted their contact information from my phone a couple weeks ago because I had given up hope that they would reach back out to me and want to be friends again. I thought I was being foolish and naive, holding on to hope.

Present

Now that they’ve reached back out to me, I don’t know what to feel or think. I feel quite blank and empty regarding the whole thing. I had come to terms with the whole friendship being a thing of my past – as one accepts a death. I didn’t expect it to be revived. I can’t say I’m happy nor sad.

It did hurt initially, dredging up the not-so-long-ago past and the hurt feelings from that time. But when it comes to what I want to do now and going forward, I don’t have an answer for myself.

Feeling numb, empty, or blank isn’t unusual for me. It’s my baseline and I think it’s part of the defense mechanism left by my traumas. If I can’t feel, I can’t get hurt.

But this empty sensation began as young as when I was in middle school – waking up, clutching my chest, gasping for breath, and feeling as if my emotions were physically being pulled out of my chest.

I was never the same, emotionally, since that day, and I don’t remember what triggered it; I was sleeping just before that.

I did cry reading their messages. But ultimately, I’m at a loss of words and feelings.

Future

Whatever I choose to do going forward regarding this friendship isn’t going to change any of the hurt that happened in the past. Not forgiving them isn’t going to undo the hurt I already felt. Forgiving them also won’t undo the past hurt either. What happened has happened and nothing will change that.

I know the question is quite simply, “What do I want?” And that would be easy to answer… If I had an answer. I don’t know what I want when it comes to this friendship. I had already accepted the loss, I had grieved, and I had moved on. I went through the whole process.

Do I want them back in my life? I already accepted and had gotten used to them not being in my life.

Do I want them to stay out of my life? My life would continue just the same as it has been.

There is no benefit or harm to me if I choose to allow them back in my life or choose to keep them out of my life. The harm was already done and I have already healed.

Is this opening up an old wound? I don’t feel any more upset than I was initially, so surely not.

What do you do when the dead comes back to life?