Happy 10th Trauma Anniversary to Me

Next month will be my 29th birthday, which means it will also be 10 years since I was first…

trigger warning

raped.

I thought about doing something big to celebrate, but the logistics just didn’t seem to be working out. A handful of friends that I would have wanted to attend my birthday would be out of town on the weekend I wanted to celebrate; the venue I wanted to use was unavailable; and the funds to book the venue aren’t there yet either.

What I really wanted was to be surrounded by the people I deeply care for and love, and celebrate how far I’ve come past my trauma together. I wanted part of my family to be there as well because for some of them, it would have been the first time hearing what I had gone through.

I wanted to give my trauma one last moment in the spotlight before finally putting it to rest. I imagine it like a box of memories – I’d finally be closing the lid on the box and storing it away. It would no longer be shoved under the bed, reappearing when least expected. I wanted to use this milestone as a stepping stone to move forward.

I could have done that at any point of my life thus far, but I’ve come to realize that no matter how much I tell myself I’ve gotten past it, I find myself continuing to talk about it. I find myself trauma-dumping and oversharing about my past assaults when I start to date someone new because I think it’s important context to understand my history with intimacy and my boundaries. And while I still think it is true that has played a large role in who I am today, maybe I don’t need to rehash the details. I’m the only one keeping the trauma alive by the retellings. I’m the one fanning the flame.

And maybe, finally, I can just let the flame die out. The ashes will still always be there.

This is not to say that I’ll go on with my life denying anything ever happened. I just want to be able to stop coming back to that timepoint in my life constantly. I want to be more mindful of where my thoughts go and teach myself that I don’t need to keep dwelling on my negative past.

It was an important event in my life and it has influenced who I am now, but revisiting it any further does not serve me any purpose. I believe I have already processed all of the emotions associated with the trauma and its aftermath. The boundaries I hold today seem to be more associated with being a Highly Sensitive Person than anything else.

I have forgiven myself long ago for the mistakes I made in the past.

I have forgiven myself for the consequences that came with those mistakes.

While I still harbor negative opinions about the people that have hurt me in the past physically, sexually, emotionally, and psychologically, they no longer bring forth negative emotions. I am no longer frozen at the thought of them.

It's a bittersweet moment when you realize you can talk about the people that have hurt you - when they no longer hurt you so much that you can't bear to hear their name or speak about them.

I want to finally be able to look forward than to keep looking back. As cheesy as it sounds, sometimes you just have to tell yourself and give yourself permission to finally let go to truly be able to move forward. I’ve been listening to the podcast 10% Happier with Dan Harris a little more often in the mornings now and there seems to be a recurring theme with the episodes I’ve been catching up on and listening to: Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.

“Essentially, we think referring to yourself in the third person leads people to think about themselves more similar to how they think about others, and you can see evidence for this in the brain,” said Jason Moser, MSU associate professor of psychology. “That helps people gain a tiny bit of psychological distance from their experiences, which can often be useful for regulating emotions.”¹

Babe, you've done the best that anyone can to move forward. Look at how far you've come. Look at how strong you are. Not everyone could have come out of this as brave, strong, and resilient as you. You are loved by so many people and you continue to inspire the people around you every day. You've given enough of your energy to your past. Give yourself permission to look forward to a future because you're no longer in limbo between the past and the present. Now it's only the future. And only you can make your future.

So this year, on November 19, 2024, I hope that you will all celebrate with me for just a small moment of your day, wherever you are along your own journey. After 10 years, let us be free and look to the future.