I honestly don’t know why my friends worship me. They laud me even though I don’t feel like I’m being a good friend to them. They praise my confidence and how far I’ve come. And the part about how far I’ve come is true – but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Especially when I have bed rot days like today.

I think I’m fairly smart but I definitely have my dumb moments. I’m outwardly confident, but I still have insurmountable insecurities when it comes to romantic relationships.

I know where the need for validation stems from – that’s what therapy taught me. But what therapy didn’t teach me is how to fix it. It’s easy to find the problem, but where do you go from there? Nothing seems to quell my need for reassurance or validation from a romantic partner.

Or is it all normal? Is it just men gaslighting me into thinking I’m needy or abnormal? It’s hard to know what to believe when you’ve been told constantly you’re dramatic or emotional. But when I talk to other people about it, even therapists, my reactions are all valid. Although I’m emotional, my reactions are logical. Anyone would be upset, not just me. Or is it just them being supportive as friends or therapists? It’s hard to know.

I’ve neglected this blog for a while. I’ve always been in perfectionist mode when it comes to each post because to me, it’s part of my profession. I like writing. I share this blog with connections. But what this blog started out as was my journal. To share my experiences. To let my inner thoughts and voice be heard, because I know others may have gone through similar experiences and may be as lost as I was then.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still lost, but more regarding my path forward. I can confidently say I’ve found my footing from the past and have grown and am confident I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

I wanted to go into law because I want to be the person I needed when I was going through my sexual assault. I want to be the person someone can confide in and trust to believe them, investigate, and find justice for them. To give them closure and a sense of safety. I’m just not sure how to get there. I don’t want to be a police officer. I want to be more of a victim advocate. Someone who can liaison with victims and provide resources to them and safety. Because I know firsthand when you’ve been in that position, you are completely lost and lose your sense of self.

How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I shout for help? Why didn’t I fight back? Those questions haunted me for years before truly believing that it is never your fault that you were assaulted. It’s the fault of the person who decided to violate and hurt you and no one else’s. They knew what they were doing. They knew it was wrong. What they don’t understand is how life-shattering their actions are. I will never be the same person I was before I was assaulted. I will always have this trauma in my history.

I wish I knew who to trust and who to talk to back then. I wish I knew what I could have done. Back then, it was only known that police don’t take sexual assault cases seriously and don’t believe women. And while that may still be true today, I know now the mental health resources I have to get me through it.