I recently started seeing a therapist again. This was triggered by my recent PTSD episode in which I thought I saw my ex in public on June 20th. That event led to panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, inappetence, and probably some other symptoms.

My insurance carrier recently changed and I dreaded the imperative hunt for a good therapist, but it turns out that my first therapist match appears to be promising.

It feels like I can actually make a breakthrough to move forward in my life with this therapist. We are focusing on the foundation of why I get triggered in the first place – and this is what I wanted to work on for the past decade. Rather than focusing on the present issue, I finally have a therapist that wants to go back to my childhood and determine the source from there.

While I am not surprised at the source of my triggers – my relationship with my parents (specifically my father) as a child – I never understood how it relates to my current troubles because the way I feel about my parents is nowhere near how I feel towards my romantic partners. While I am aware that strained relationships with parents can lead to unhealthy relationships in adulthood, it never really connected in my head because it isn’t a direct correlation. I figured that because I never sought my parents’ attention or affection, it doesn’t translate to me now seeking attention from romantic partners because it’s an entirely different feeling.

My therapist pointed out that I am most likely seeking external validation and reassurance from romantic partners because I was never provided that security from my own parents so I desperately and constantly seek out reassurance now.

While my parents were never affectionate or loving, I never remember ever wondering if my parents loved me, if they thought I was pretty, or other affirmative things. I remember just thinking, “I don’t want to get in trouble,” as a child. I tried my best to not be the center of attention because usually that meant that I was in trouble. (Wow, this makes so much sense now.)

My mother was my primary caregiver and I never sought or cared for validation / attention from my father. Apparently my strained relationship with my father is the basis of romantic troubles because I was missing that foundational love and care as a child. It’s hard to admit that my father plays a part in my adulthood struggles because I never cared for his attention. There is also that stigma regarding women with “daddy issues.” (Maybe if men weren’t trash, we wouldn’t have issues.)

My therapist explained that my current impulsivity and desire and pervasiveness for external validation from romantic partners is connected to the relationship, of lack thereof, I have with my father. To be frank – it’s a repulsive thought and I never wanted to acknowledge it because I obviously don’t feel the same way about my dad that I do towards my romantic partners. But in a convoluted way, it is connected – just not directly.

My therapist asked me: if I were to ask my father anything, what would I ask him? The only thing I ever really wondered was whether my father took part in caring for me as a baby / toddler. The memories I have of my father are all distant and cold, so I wonder if there was ever a point where my father and I had a good relationship. When my parents were having a rough patch and considering divorce, I remember my dad stopping me as I walked by and asking, “If your mom and I got a divorce, who would you want to live with?” I answered that I would want to live with my mom (obviously, she did everything for me). He raised his voice and said, “Even when I just bought you a GameCube,” and dismissed me. That event sticks out in my memory because that’s when I realized he thinks that love can be bought. (Oh my god, is that really why I want financial security?) Since then, I lost respect for him as my father and our relationship has been estranged (more than it already was).

This time, a therapist actually gives me methods to work through triggering situations and actually gives me something actionable I can do. When I feel angry and want to yell or argue, do the opposite instead. When I feel sad and want to withdraw from friends, socialize instead. If I want to reach out to someone (aka my ex), don’t – do something to distract myself instead; turn off my phone.

My therapist said that if I want to move on from my past, I need to address my past; and I thought I have. I have spoken about my hardships and traumas significantly, and especially the downfalls of this relationship. I’ve analyzed it many times and determined the role I played in the culmination of its downfall. But there was always a few things I couldn’t admit fault to – how it started.

I always defended myself when I talked about him cheating as the start of our relationship because I had stopped him and given him the opportunity to reconsider the situation, and I had also been pining for him for the previous 7 years, so I was emotionally vulnerable. Also, when we first became an item, I had asked him if he was sure he wanted to jump into another relationship right away because the break up and cheating was a lot to process, but I blamed it on him because he decided to move forward.

My therapist conveyed that I still played a part by being there and being willing, and that was always hard for me to admit. I always based our trust issues in the relationship on the start of the relationship which mainly antagonized him for making those decisions, but I made those choices too. I attempted to wash my hands of the liability because he was the one in a relationship, he was the one who had to make a decision. I had the, “I’m single, I can do whatever I want,” mentality. But alas, karma bit me in the ass in the end.

It’s hard to admit when you make a poor decision. It’s even harder to admit so when prided yourself on believing that your traumas made you a better person presently. I’m still learning.

I knew in my gut that it was wrong to engage in an affair with him at the time, but I let my heart win. The only thought I had at the time was, “It’s finally happening.” We had been attracted to each other for 7 years. He was my high school crush. He made tattoos and piercings attractive to me when I was previously repulsed by them. I was also emotionally vulnerable at the time because I was just getting over another PTSD episode. My therapist pointed out that the effect of my relationship with my father can lead me to be easily manipulated and vulnerable – leading me to make poor decisions such as that. I knew it was wrong, but I let my emotions get the better of me.

In relation to addressing my past, my therapist provided me with an Emotion Regulation Skills worksheet, which also discussed doing the opposite action.

1. What event triggered my emotion?
2. What interpretations or assumptions am I making about the event?
3. Does my emotion and its intensity match the facts of the situation? Or does it just match my assumptions of the situation?

We went through this exercise in relation to the triggers of insecurity in my previous relationship and I verbally admitted that I overreacted and that my emotions were based on fear and insecurity. I repeatedly thought that he would leave me for a friend because that’s what he did in his last relationship. He would repeatedly tell his ex that we were “just friends” when we both knew that was not the case. He would repeatedly tell me that him and any female were just friends – so I never believed him. I would frequently overreact to any interaction he had on social media with a female friend. I thought that his female friends were all prettier and/or sexier than me because turns out that a lot of his female friends just happen to be models and/or dancers. He would repeatedly tell me that his interactions meant nothing, he was just supporting his friends, but I never believed him because I knew those were the lies he told his exes about me. Looking back, I do believe he was telling me the truth (or who knows, maybe it was the sociopath part of him [sociopathic tendencies were confirmed by his own therapist]) because he never cheated on me (but is that the standard?) and he spent a lot of time, effort, money, and energy on me/our relationship. I overreacted to the social media interactions – extremely. I made problems about them when they truly were unimportant to him. There was no way I could believe his reassurances when I knew that he told his exes the exact same things about me. The relationship was doomed from the start, but my heart was so stubborn.

Cheers to hopefully, finally moving forward.