A week ago, I got a new health diagnosis that makes me immunocompromised for the rest of my life.

Discovering this new disease in my body was completely coincidental. I had gone to the doctor for a separate reason and decided to get screening tests done just because they offered and why not. Turns out the screening tests were done at exactly the right time, when my body was just beginning to seroconvert. We caught it at the best time possible, but it still sucks catching any kind of chronic illness in my body.

I was told my diagnosis on March 25, 2025, and was instructed to go to a specialized clinic for treatment and support services the next day. The period between receiving the diagnosis and being told everything was going to be okay and being put on medication felt very truncated – I mean, it was only 24 hours. I walked away with the gist that as long as I took my medication every day, I’ll still live a long and healthy life. There was very little information given about what was actually going on in my body, how the disease might progress, what the virus does to the body, and how it may practically affect my daily routine. I was basically just told that I had this disease, but don’t worry about it as long as I take the medication.

It still feels like I’m missing a segment of processing, but I don’t really know what there is to process. I was told I have a chronic disease that leads to an immunocompromised state. I was then put on medication and told everything’s going to be okay. I’ve been repeatedly told that everything’s going to be fine. I can still live a long and healthy life. There’s nothing to worry about. Science and medication has advanced so much further from when this disease was initially discovered. It’s fine. Everything will be fine.

So why doesn’t it feel fine? Why does it feel like I have yet another burden to shoulder? It feels like a dirty secret. It feels different than having depression or anxiety, at least most people can relate to that.

A thought crossed my mind while processing my diagnosis this past week. As many of you know, I previously attempted suicide. One of the most common cliches said during a suicidal moment is being told, “You have so much to live for!” Really, this is what I had to live for? Being diagnosed and immunocompromised for the rest of my life now? You’re made to believe that things would get better if you don’t commit suicide, but this is definitely not better.

A part of me believes that I’ve gone through all this crap in my life because I can withstand it. I’ve proven that I come out stronger. But what else is there? Why? What did I do to deserve all of this trauma? When do I get a break? Am I just destined to be chronically exposed to traumatic events for the rest of my life? And if so, why? What’s the purpose of it all happening to me?

Rape, additional sexual assaults, the suicide attempt – these feel like past life times. I feel dissociated from these past traumas because I am not the same person I was during those traumas. But now with this new diagnosis, it makes me realize – holy shit, I have gone through a lot in my life. I’m not even 30 yet.

Whenever anyone has told me that I’ve gone through a lot and that I should be proud of myself, it never really resonated with me. Those things happened, I got through it, and now I’m here. I’ve never really felt those sort of comforting words. They just feel like empty words to me.

Now it just feels laughable because clearly I have not gotten through the worst of life, as I previously thought.

“But wait, there’s more!” It feels like I’m just collecting badges of life experiences, but not good ones.

That probably means I should counteract it with actually getting good life experiences, but there’s nothing I really desire to achieve further in life (aside from a happy marriage and a wedding). I am happy with the relationships I have in my life, my support system. I’m glad to have the people I do in my life, by my side, especially now. I have all the love I could ever ask for. I’ve been working on giving back to my community and with mental health advocacy. I’ve got a good grasp on my hobbies and what I enjoy doing. What else is it that I need to do? How do I stop the cycle of bad events? There’s nothing much else that speaks to me. What do I want to work towards? Especially now. What’s keeping me moving forward?

This is all coming on the heels of when I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressants also, which I’ve been needing to write about. I fully weaned off my antidepressants about a month ago and it feels great. I achieved something. Now this? What is it? Do I just need to always be on some type of medication every day? Is that the formula for my life?