I’m not sure exactly what it is – the recent change that causes me to actually feel happy for the first time in a long while. Possibly even the first time this year.

Is it because my health is now improving? Is it because I’m going out and doing more things I enjoy? Spending more time with people who I connect with on a deeper level?

I did have my LEEP procedure a few weeks ago, on May 24th, and I am now precancerous-free (hopefully). The margins came back clear and my recovery seems to be complete. It’s taken about a full two weeks for the bleeding and cramps to stop. The joys of being a woman. I no longer feel fatigued, nauseous, or am experiencing any pelvic pain. I seem to have my energy levels back. I no longer feel extremely exhausted, but maybe just somewhat exhausted. I still think existing is tiring. There’s too much effort put in for so little reward.

I did start talking to someone new, but I don’t want to attribute all of my happy feelings to this one person – that would just be dangerous for myself. I am hopeful of where this will go with him, but it’s only been just about two weeks. It finally feels like I’m connecting with someone who I actually deserve. There isn’t anything negative I can say about him. Even with the distance, it’s not necessarily a bad thing for me because it’s the best of both worlds for me. Being an introvert and frequently fatigued, going out more than once a week is asking for too much. With the distance, we’ll see each other enough, but not too often that I burn out. I’m also a generally independent person and there’s a fine line between being affection and feeling smothered. The best connections happen when you’re not trying, right? We did meet initially on a dating app, but knowing that he was based in Northern California, I didn’t expect too much besides just gaining a friend. I never intended to develop anything towards him, but look at where we are now.

Being through what I have been in life, it’s difficult to find someone that you believe actually connects with you. To me, it’s been difficult finding someone that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I’ve dated a lot of awful guys, and while I’m not a saint myself, I’ve endured a lot of abuse and trauma.

• Rape
• Being passenger to a drunk driver
• Repeated sexual assault by various men
• Slapped
• Gaslighting
• Isolation
• Manipulation
• Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness
• Driven to suicide (a combination of factors, mainly stemming from the relationship)

I’ve experienced all of these events in the past 9 years. My upbringing and childhood were fairly unexciting, in a good way (save for some generational trauma). It wasn’t until entering college that everything went downhill. While I would never want to go through those things again, those events built my character, strengthened, and molded me into who I am today. A majority of these events happened while in college, within my last 3 years of undergrad. It took the following ~6 years to heal from those events and come to terms with trauma, especially when my PTSD finally emerged.

For the first 2-3 years or so after the trauma, I don’t remember much. It’s all a blur and my brain probably blacked those moments out. Then came the PTSD, which was just cruel. The panic attacks, anxiety attacks, crying, and overall general pain and panic. I remember having two episodes of PTSD after being raped. The first episode was shortly after it occurred. I had a panic attack seeing the same stretch of freeway that was driven on around the time of my assault. It was my first time experiencing a panic attack and it just made me realize I was not okay. The second episode occurred more recently, in December 2021. I started getting triggered by certain conversations at work, leading to about 3-4 more panic attacks. There were a lot of emotions wrapped up in this episode, which were related to my feelings around the time that I was raped.

I gained a lot of introspection during these times. I’m able to be much more in sync with my emotions, intentions, and thoughts, so I would say I’m pretty emotionally stable now (the antidepressants help). I also would like to think that I’m fairly open-minded and a safe space for people that have gone through traumas. Which has been happening a lot recently – trauma bonding. People that I never thought I would be close to are now some of my closest friends because of trauma bonding, dark humor, and just knowing what it’s like to go through hard times. We’ve created genuine connections over the lowest parts of our lives.

I went on a bit of a tangent there – oops. All of this is also tied into my idea of spiritualism. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that karma exists. I believe that I didn’t go through all of that shit for nothing. I believe that I deserve just as much good in my life as how much bad I’ve experienced. I don’t believe the universe can just be that cruel to have me experience those things and come out empty-handed. Because of this, I may reject love interests because I believe I deserve better. Because of this, I’ve walked away from people I’ve really loved because I knew they weren’t treating me well.

But now, it finally feels like I’ve met someone who may actually treat me how I deserve to be treated. I feel genuinely cared, loved, and understood by this person. I don’t feel judged. I feel accepted and validated. My past isn’t baggage. Of course, it’s only been about two weeks, so it’s hardly any measure of standard, but I enjoy how I feel with this person. I’m still trying to keep my heart guarded so I don’t end up getting hurt in the end, but it feels good to finally be treated how I deserve, and heard.

There’s something about meeting someone online that cultivates a more genuine connection (unless they’re catfishing you). I’ve been through a lot of online/long-distance relationships when I was younger and gamed a lot. Michigan, Washington, New Zealand, Sacramento – it didn’t matter where. I also made a really close friend during that time who I still miss to this day and have been unable to locate – Souto (30(?), Japan) if you’re out there, your baby sister misses you (that’s all the information I have. I definitely do not have the one photo he sent me back in like 2008 anymore).

There are a good handful of friends I’ve made online that I still keep in touch with 10+ years later and they are my absolute best friends (shout out Reuben in Texas & Jesse in Sacramento). Even though I’ve never physically met these people yet (life goal though), they’ve been with me through the roughest times of my life because they’ve been with me since I was ~13 years old, and vice versa. That’s invaluable. Nothing can replace the experience and history you’ve shared with someone, whether it’s in person or over text.

This is definitely not the direction I thought my writing would take when I started. What was my original point again? Oh right, actually being happy. I digress.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my life where when it gets bad, it gets really bad. But when the good times start, it also usually happens all at once. This summer has a lot of exciting things coming up, including meeting this person in NorCal, and spending quality time with close friends. I’ve never hosted gatherings at my place as often as I have recently or socialized so often as I have in the past month. And it doesn’t feel tiring, because I guess it’s finally the right kind of socializing and the right people.

I’m excited. I’m happy. Things seem to be working in my favor now. Only took six months and a cancer scare. Karma, don’t let this be just false hopes; please be real, good karma.